I'm working hard on making my internal conversations external, as directed by my therapist. I've been journaling from the two opposing voices that seem to dictate my mood, my activity, my choices. This is old school journaling, real paper and an actual pencil, because I feel like if I recorded those conversations here I would look really crazy, and let's just keep that a secret. But in the last couple weeks I've been pretty diligent about recording those thoughts up until about mid-week, and then I just get tired, physically tired, and the journaling ceases.
Yesterday I was thinking about the mid-week slump. I'm at this stuck-spot, this gradually getting heavier spot, a place where I feel like I am expending a lot of mental energy to keep from filling myself with Oreo blizzards and to avoid filling increasingly large pant sizes. And yet I am slowly moving in that direction. It occurred to me that I have never in the past gotten myself out of this stuck-spot. I get here and struggle and get bigger and struggle and get bigger. That's just how it works for me. How it has always worked.
And then, brainstorm. Or light bulb moment. Who knows? I just decided that this time I will get out of this spot. Something about hearing myself say "you've never been successful working through this" jolted me out of a haze. Something about that word never triggered a very strong gut reaction. I can be half-hearted about the work I'm doing with my therapist, I can kind of do it, part of the time. But then I will be stuck for a long time. And I refuse to spend another 5 year chunk of my life trying to get unstuck.
So I shall continue journaling from those two opposing voices, through Wednesday and beyond :) Because clearly I need to do this for quite a while before it becomes a naturally firing neural pathway. It feels good to know that I am getting unstuck, right here and right now.
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