the old me

tasteless

2012-01-30T22:20:00.000-06:00

Mindful snack: My taste buds are still mostly dulled, but I did spend some time noticing the fizziness of the ginger ale I've been sipping. Very fizzy (which sounds like something Buddy the Elf would say). I noticed a tiny bit of sweetness on the sides of my tongue, but mostly I noticed how very effervescent it was in my mouth.

My brain was busy during sitting meditation this evening. Lots of thoughts about work, but I very diligently redirected myself to my breath. And then thought about work again, and then redirected myself. Over and over. It's early in this whole meditation process for me, but sometimes I wonder if all that mental redirection is in itself mentally exhausting. It seems like a lot of work to notice only breath. Silly, isn't it? A lot of work to notice something that we do without giving it any thought all day.

Unpleasant event...hmm. Maybe feeling run down at the end of the work day today? That certainly wasn't pleasant, but I just took it as a sign to go home and rest.

Pleasant event: so many of my pleasant events involve my cat :) So I'll stretch for something different today. I left school today tired and run down (that's not the pleasant part) but done with my paperwork! Midyear progress notes are due this week, and today was a clerical day to get most of them done. I've been working diligently for the last three weeks, spreading out the work a little at a time, so that all I really had to do today was print out the copies. It feels great to leave work with something big finished instead of feeling it hanging over my head.

Other random thoughts...
I tend to go on autopilot during my get-ready-for-work morning routine.

I'm trying to be consciously mindful while I follow my facial cleansing regimen.

Part of this week's homework was identifying what we most don't want to look at in our lives. Heavy stuff, and if I don't want to look at it, even glance at it or acknowledge it, I'm sure not ready to share it in this group of people I barely know. It will be interesting to see how our instructor handles this assignment with us.

attack of the killer sinuses

2012-01-29T21:43:00.003-06:00

Mindful snacking...Well, this was interesting today. My sinuses aren't cooperating with me today, and although I can breathe through my nose (mostly), I can't really taste anything. I had a chai this morning, and I could feel that it was warm and creamy, but that's it. And I ate a bit of banana bread, but I could only feel the texture and not actually taste it. So, I snacked mindfully, and realized that it's weird to feel food but not taste it.

I did our prescribed yoga sequence followed by fifteen minutes of sitting meditation. My sinuses were pounding the whole time and I kept noticing that instead of my breath. I imagined how tough it must be to live with chronic pain (my mom), trying to breathe through the pain. My sinuses are nothing compared to the pain so many people live with.

Unpleasant event: the hour between the last dose of Tyenol Sinus and the next dose. Ouch.

Pleasant event: the warmth of steam on my face in the shower this morning. Good stuff.

Friday!

2012-01-27T22:43:00.000-06:00

Mindful snacking: glass of chocolate milk. It was cold and smooth, just the right balance of chocolate to milk. Yum. Maybe even better than yesterday's malt.

Unpleasant event: sitting in a meeting of job-alike colleagues from around the district, listening to complaint after complaint about how awful things are, how much work we have to do, how hard it is to manage our caseloads. This wasn't a meeting. It was a vent session. No one seemed interested in actually thinking about how to make things better. The bright side is that after every meeting like this, I once again realize I'm lucky to work at my particular school, with a strong team and administrative support.

Pleasant event: I had a therapy session today, and right now I'm on a pretty even keel. I feel relatively balanced in my life, and I left the session with the idea that I just might have some tools that will keep me balanced for a long time, not just right now. I guess I left with hope, hope that my future will look how I'd like it to look, that it doesn't have to look like the current reality of my parents or my in-laws. Hope on a Friday...that's a pretty good way to begin the weekend :)

homework

2012-01-26T22:16:00.001-06:00

I'm taking an 8 week mindfulness-based stress reduction class, centered around the components in Jon Kabat-Zinn's Full Catastrophe Living. I'm in my third week, and it's good stuff, but I do need to be really conscious in incorporating the homework components. Last week I was supposed to do a body scan every day, 10 minutes of sitting meditation a day, monitor mindfulness on a daily living activity, eat one snack mindfully each day, and keep a pleasant events calendar. Mostly I kept up, aside from mindful snacking and jotting down pleasant events. I'm thinking this space is a good place to corral all those homework assignments, so here goes...

This week:

alternate body scan and yoga 6 days per week
sitting meditation 15 minutes daily
daily mindful snack
record unpleasant events, one entry per day
think about when I go on "automatic pilot" and under what circumstances that occurs
what do I most not want to look at?

Today...

Body scan complete.
Mindful eating for the day: I stopped at our neighborhood malt shop (lucky us that we have a neighborhood malt shop) on the way home from boxing class to get a chocolate malt. The husband isn't feeling well, and ice cream is soothing. I of course just wanted the malt. I ate the first 20 bites or so with no TV, no talking, no reading, no anything except eating. I can consume chocolate malts with the best of them. It's a special skill of mine. I love chocolate malts. I ate this one slowly, attending to the textures and flavors. Interestingly, I felt like it was lighter and fluffier than the usual malts we get, and the chocolate flavor was subtle. It was good, but a little disappointing.
Unpleasant event: seeing my reflection in what we call "the skinny mirror" at work and feeling like I looked not-very-svelte. The skinny mirror is almost always flattering and reassuring, and the fact that I wasn't pleased with the reflection today made me think I must look really un-svelte in real life.
Pleasant event: feeling light on my feet while skipping rope at the start of boxing class
Sitting meditation: on my way to do it right now.

a long December...

2012-01-02T00:03:00.000-06:00

And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last (thank you Counting Crows).

It was a very long December, and a busy Fall in general. I finished the last class for my writing cohort about 2 weeks ago, and while I loved learning and thinking and reflecting, it was a lot of work. A lot of writing, to be honest, and I've discovered that I seem to have an internal unconscious gauge for written output. Apparently I can only write so much and I reach my own personal word limit. So my writing for the last few months has been all academic. Very exciting stuff.

Writing helps me reflect and process the big and little themes in my life, but I think a lot of my personal reflection has happened in the context of therapy in the last several months. More and more I feel lucky to have an extremely insightful and intuitive therapist. It's a relief to have help and support, to know that I don't need to figure it all out by myself.

I'm not sure what direction this year is going to take. I feel a little glimmer of possibility, something opening up before me, but I don't really know what that is or what it means for me. I guess going into the new year open to all the possibilities ahead of me is a good start.

alphabet

2011-10-24T21:25:00.000-05:00

I just started reading Karen's blog about a month ago (and her book is on my nook wish list), and today she posted a super fun ABC's of food that I just couldn't resist. I mean, how much fun is it to talk about our favorite foods?

A: is for Apple, what’s your favorite variety? Honeycrisp (from our very own University of Minnesota apple breeding program)

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of? a warm slice of honey wheat from Breadsmith

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!) Quaker Crunchy Corn Bran...so crunchy, so good

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy? A chocolate cake doughnut with glaze and shredded coconut would make me really happy right now. There used to be a Mr. Donut franchise about a mile from my house when I was growing up, and that was always my favorite.

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared? scrambled please

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product? hmm...I don't really buy anything fat free anymore

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours? Cub Foods and Lunds

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink? chai, hot chocolate (with whipped cream)

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping. I love cookies and cream ice cream. Love it. I also harbor a secret love of Magic Shell, which is nutritionally awful.

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor? Why yes, I do like jams and jellies. My local Lunds always has interesting options, so I tend to pick up things like sour cherry, or some kind of blackberry/blueberry/something-berry blend.

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product? Heart to Heart cereal

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today? black cherry Chobani, a baggie of the aforementioned Heart to Heart cereal, a Keepsake apple from our farmer's market, string cheese (we haven't gone grocery shopping for the week, thus what I would call an "assembled" lunch)

M: is for Microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack? Lately I've been a bit obsessed with Amy's Light & Lean Black Bean and Cheese Enchilada

N: is for Nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best? Protein usually ends up at the bottom of my list :(

O: is for Oil, what kind do you like to use? Olive oil

P: is for Protein, how do you get yours? cheese, yogurt, milk, peanut butter (mmm...I love Justin's Honey Peanut Butter)...clearly not a big meat fan

Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats? your basic oatmeal, with some kind of fruit and a bit of milk mixed in

R: is for Roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast? corn on the cob! no wait, that's my favorite thing to grill...maybe sweet potatoes?

S: is for Sandwich, what’s your favorite kind? The local wine bar by our house serves a super yummy sandwich with turkey, gruyere, chipotle-cranberry mayo, cucumbers, lettuce and red onion on a wheat hoagie. Sadly, they only serve it in the summer, and I'm working on how to recreate that chipotle-cranberry mayo combo.

T: is for Travel, how do you handle eating while traveling? I go with the flow. But I'm also a picky eater, so I usually end up bringing a box of cereal and fruit on the road so I've always got a fall back option.

U: is for Unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos? See picky eater. I tend not to eat strange combinations of food. I do insist on having one peanut, one raisin, and one chocolate chip/M & M per bite of trail mix. Proportions are important.

V: is for Vitamins, what kind do you take? After my recent visit to a preventive cardiologist, I've been advised to start taking Centrum Cardio. So long gummy vitamins :(

W: is for Wasabi, yay or nay? nay

X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see? a bit of rice pudding with cinnamon

Y: is for Youth, what food reminds you of your childhood? Little Debbie snack cakes

Z: is for Zucchini, how do you prepare it? I don't. Zucchini is not yet part of our garden plan.

fears

2011-10-21T10:50:00.001-05:00

My neck has been achy lately. I feel this little twinge when I turn my head to the right, and when I'm rowing I notice a significant difference between my ability to look over my left shoulder (when I'm the bow person) compared to looking over my right shoulder. I've noticed this range of motion difference for months, maybe even over several rowing seasons, but this fall it seems especially present. Sometimes this twinge turns into a tightness that moves down my neck and into my shoulders. A few weeks ago I had a fantastic massage that I was hoping would make it all go away, but the twinge is still there. The massage therapist thought perhaps I should see a chiropractor, suggesting that it may be an alignment issue and not a muscle issue.

The idea of going to a chiropractor scares me a little, but I have a good referral from a friend and I've been reassured by lots of people that it can be helpful. So maybe today I'll be brave enough to look into that.

But my bigger fear is that this stiffness is a precursor to something worse. My mom has chronic pain, fibromyalgia coupled with arthritis, and it is debilitating. She hasn't really felt physically good for the last 15 years, and it has taken over her life. She's aged quickly, she doesn't get out much, her mental health has declined, etc etc. I don't want my life to turn into that. I'm scared of my life turning into that. And I know in my rational mind that my neck twinge is no big deal, but it brings up a whole bunch of worried, unhappy thoughts.

change up

2011-10-10T21:45:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling less guilty than I was last time I posted, and my activity level hasn't increased in any way. Less guilt is a good thing, I think. Guilt doesn't motivate.

I have been going back and forth over food issues. Since the weekend o' doughnuts and pie in Grand Marais, I've continued eating doughnuts and other sugary white-flour kinds of goodies. And I keep telling myself "this is the last week of this kind of eating." Which doesn't work. Again, I don't feel super guilty, which is progress (unless of course I end up much much larger). But I was thinking on the drive home today that perhaps I need to commit to mindful eating in the next couple months. Not restrictive eating. Not points-counting kind of eating. Not binge eating. Just eating when I'm hungry, choosing foods that I feel like my body really wants. Even if my body really wants a doughnut.

As always, that sounds so much easier than it really is. But it's also sane, and I think it might be all I can handle this Fall.

potato

2011-09-28T18:21:00.003-05:00

Fall is a tough time for me. Transitions...back to school, the fading light, the eventual end of the rowing season. All these things conspire against my whole work-life balance plan. School takes over, fatigue settles in, and all those healthy happy thoughts I had over the summer seem to disappear. I always have some kind of "plan" to stay active, but by now I know myself well enough to realize that I do not like having prescribed plans. I can tell myself "run on Mondays and Wednesdays, sign up for kettlebell, use the rowing machine once during the week and once on the weekend" etc etc etc. But those plans feel like work, and after working all day at my job, I'm done working. The beauty of rowing is that it never feels like work to me. And as much as I like running, it's nothing like rowing.

This was the challenge I presented my therapist with the last time I saw her. How can I do what I want to do, have the balance I want in my life, without changing my whole career path? Most of the time I come home from school, read the newspaper, eat dinner, and then hunker down on the couch for the rest of the night. The voice is ever present: get off the couch, do that run you planned on, finish the paperwork you brought home, look at you just sitting there immobile. I have so much guilt because I feel like I should be doing more.

My plan (not so much a plan but a strategy, because I'm anti-plan) is to have a comeback to that voice. "You've worked hard today. You've done enough. It's OK." I worked on the comeback during my last therapy session, and this week I'm trying to actually use it.

Guilt is a hard thing to combat. How do I know when I've worked hard enough for the day? What if I leave work at 4:30 instead of 5:30 or 6:00? Have I still worked enough for the day? I consider activity work, even though it's good for me and I feel better when I'm active. It's still work, and somehow that needs to fit into the picture of "enough" as well. It's Wednesday, and I will be honest. I felt bad about my inactivity on both Monday and Tuesday. I still heard the "should" talking louder than my reassurance that I've done enough. This is hard stuff.

getting away

2011-09-23T21:42:00.001-05:00

I'm up in Grand Marais for a long weekend again. The first time I came up here all by myself it was magical. Last year I invited my parents to come along, and it was good for them to get out but not so much a "get away" for me. It's a lovely town as always, but I'm feeling a little low. I left school yesterday with a fairly big issue up in the air, and after checking my email this afternoon it's come to fruition. A student I've worked with for the past three and a half years is transferring to another elementary school in the district, for reasons that are just heartbreaking. It's probably the best situation for him, but his team at my school is just lost. We had such strong connections with this kiddo. I had big plans for him this year :) It's kind of hard to imagine my school year without him.

So there's that. And maybe because of that, I'm feeling like I could use some feline comfort (not turning to food! progress!). But Lena's at home, lonely herself. I don't pick up the husband until tomorrow afternoon, and I have plans to get in a run along Lake Superior and pick up a few of those yummy doughnuts. But I sure could use Lena's affection right about now, her little furry neck vibrating as she purrs, her paws propped up on my chest. Perhaps she and I need to start a training regimen that acclimates her to long car rides.

10 years

2011-09-11T22:33:00.000-05:00

It takes so little to go right back, ten years in time. To see the footage as it happened on the Today Show, to hear the NPR announcers as I drove to school that morning, to see the office staff huddled around a TV when I arrived at school. To wonder if I was supposed to just go through with a regular day. I was one week into a new school year, one week into a new school and new district.

How is it that we are all ten years older?

I listened to one of the Living 9/11 WNYC podcasts during my morning run today. It was a perfect September morning for a run, not too warm, clear blue sky. What is it about those blue sky September days? I felt lucky to be running this morning. I felt strong and clear headed. I am lucky.

I was thinking about memories, about how the lives of those who died ten years ago live on in their friends and family. But I also thought about how life isn't all about being remembered, having someone who can hold the essence of you in their thoughts. Memories are for those left behind, and we need those memories, but living...living is for right now. Right now is all there is, really.

anti work

2011-08-19T09:12:00.001-05:00

I can't remember if I've ever written about work here before. Not work as in my job, but work as a concept. I have issues with work. Part of my food issues are tied to work, as in "counting points and planning my meals and getting up early to pack lunch is all just too much work." When exercise feels like work, I stop doing it. I'm anti-work I guess.

It sounds lazy and very un-American to be anti-work. I work extremely hard at my job, and I'm mostly OK with that. I like what I do...it's mentally challenging and socially engaging and I feel like it's meaningful work. But I have this idea that the only "work" in my life should be my job. When I come home I don't want to work anymore, which means I don't want to make dinner or go to the Y or pick up around the house. It all feels like work. This comes up frequently in my therapy sessions, the balance I need between work and freedom. I haven't figured out the core of this yet, why I feel like I need so much time to myself without external demands.

I love it when eating well doesn't feel like work. That's how I want it to be all the time. Rowing never feels like work, and right now running doesn't feel like work either. Actually, I'm back in that magical place where I actually look forward to the days that I run, and I haven't felt that way about running for several years. I bring all this up because I actually do have some real work I've been avoiding, a mega final project for my writing cohort. Even though I plotted out all the tasks and tried to be organized about it, I just didn't keep up with the timeline I set out for myself. And then the tasks snowballed, and I avoided and avoided and now it all seems huge and unwieldy. It feels like I need to work on it nonstop for the next week in order to get everything done.

This is what I was grappling with in my therapy session yesterday, this work avoidance complex. My therapist suggested an experiment...that I should try "mindful" working. Mindful eating and activity seem to hit that right balance between work and freedom for me (most of the time, although I can also make mindfulness seem like work and thus rebel against it), so perhaps mindful work habits are a good start. Trust my body/brain to know when I should be working on my tasks and when I need a break from those tasks. If it's me telling myself to do something instead of someone else (or some other unspoken voice), I'm much more likely to follow through. That trust and acknowledgment seem to be pretty important to me. So I'll be working mindfully the next few days...we'll see how it goes.

hmmm

2011-08-08T08:15:00.000-05:00

I've been eating in a relatively sane manner for the last month, tracking my points about 90% of the time, doing the things that have worked for me in the past on WW. I haven't had crazy food thoughts, and on the whole I feel pretty balanced. I have not been going to meetings, but I've been tracking everything on eTools and I do feel like I'm being honest about my intake. Overall I feel like I'm eating what my body wants and needs, and the tracking is secondary.

But...my weight has not changed for my last 4 weigh-ins. OK, it's changed by maybe .2 or .4 pounds up or down. That's it. I don't get it, because I really feel like I'm eating in ways that have helped me lose weight before, and yet I'm stuck at this number. I haven't been perfect in the WW sense, but I haven't needed to be perfect in order to lose weight. Honestly, perfection would put me over the edge. I know that if I printed off my food journals for the last month and gave them to a WW leader to peruse, he/she would advise me to incorporate healthy oils, make sure I'm eating all my fruit/veggie servings, and maybe increase the protein. Again, I haven't needed to be a stickler about those things in order to lose weight in the past. So I'm kind of at a loss about what to do. I guess I can eat fewer of those weekly "bonus" points, and I can work harder to follow the WW good health guidelines (the oil, fruits/veggies, etc).

So far, miraculously, my reaction to this plateau has been level-headed. I'm curious about what's going on, but I don't feel horrible seeing that same number on the scale week after week. It's not causing me to head out to Dairy Queen and fill up with Oreo Blizzards. I guess what I'm saying is that I haven't given up, even though I'm not getting much positive reinforcement for my work. This even-keeled reaction is a really big deal for me. But I worry that if I need to start being more diligent, more restrictive, that it's going to backfire big time. I don't do well with things that feel like a lot of work, and I know that when I'm discouraged it gets harder and harder to stick with something. Restriction does not work with me. I'm not sure how long I can persevere without a payoff.

I know, I know, there are other payoffs. I feel pretty good physically--strong, capable. I'm able to do the things I want to in my life. I'm just 10-15 pounds heavier than I was last summer. And I feel more comfortable and confident without those pounds.

meow

2011-08-05T14:07:00.001-05:00

One year ago today we adopted Lena from the Humane Society. Our first cat Callie died about a month before, and the house was just too quiet and lonely without a feline presence. So on a Thursday night while I was rowing, the husband went to pick out a new cat. Lo and behold he chose the very first cat the Humane Society person showed him, because really, once you've held and pet a cat, how can you possibly say "no, let's see a different one." I was excited on the drive home from the boat club, wondering what kind of feline I would find at home that night.

My first glimpse of her was under the bed. She was a petite girl, and I know I said "she looks a lot like Cal." Apparently we are destined to be calico owners. The following day it was just me and Lena, home all day, and her true personality emerged. Lena is an attention-seeker, more than any other cat I've lived with. She's traipsing back and forth across my lap (and laptop) at this very moment, making sure that I attend to her and only her.

Lena loves to watch the neighborhood out the front door and the birds/squirrels/chipmunks out the back door. She loves to lick, which is not my favorite thing, but I'm getting used to it and it makes her happy. She likes to walk right up to my face and purr. She catches mice (although I haven't seen any new conquests in about six months, which hopefully means she's scaring them away). She has a pretty good vertical leap. She puts on weight with just small increases in her food (hmm...sounds familiar). She thinks it's very important to wake us up around 5:00 in the morning. She can handle big crowds and little kids. That's what I've learned in her first year with us. Happy one year of adoption Lena!

letting go

2011-08-02T09:34:00.002-05:00

Earlier last week (and yes, I'm just getting around to writing about it now) Oprah's show featured 100 people who had each lost at least 100 pounds. I don't know why I get so sucked in to weight loss shows, but I do. Oprah gave lip service to Women, Food, and God early in the show, but mostly it just felt like a traditional weight loss episode. At one point in the show (I can't remember which guest she was talking with) Oprah asked the guest why she felt she had let herself go.

Oh how I hate that phrase. It is almost always attached to women...women who no longer fit the unrealistic standards of beauty that we all seem to expect from ourselves. I can't remember ever hearing about a man who let himself go. I was surprised Oprah said it, but in truth we haven't really moved beyond judging ourselves and each other in this way. When I think about it, "let yourself go" really is an elegant phrase, suggesting release and movement. Instead it's code for gaining weight.

I came away from that show with zero insights. Not that I expected any, but it did feel like a show she could have done 10 or 15 years ago, with its focus on food and exercise and stock explanations for weight gain/loss. Surface level stuff. The thing is, knowing that you put your own needs last does not change your habits. Knowing that you don't believe you deserve good health does not change your habits. Knowing why you believe those things is what eventually leads to change.

Something about seeing that audience full of formerly obese people made me sad. I commend them all for their efforts, because I can't imagine the physical and emotional work it would take to lose 100 pounds. The sadness I guess comes from the realization that there are so many of us with food and weight issues, so many of us with lots of emotional work to do before we can really move beyond the food and weight. No wonder it's so hard to keep weight off. Jillian Michaels said somewhere in her most recent book that "we manifest our fears because they hold our deepest life lessons." Working through those life lessons is no easy feat, and that's got to be why so many of us keep struggling with food and weight over the course of our lives.

mid July musings

2011-07-12T12:59:00.000-05:00

I look back on the sparse nature of my posts this year and realize that it's been a tough year. One of my tougher ones for sure, although I really am blessed with many good things in my life. My mental health took a nosedive, and I think I'm emerging from that place, but it's slow going.

We just returned from a short trip to the North Shore of Lake Superior with our two oldest nieces, and it was wonderful as always (even with two children in tow, which is not usually my thing). I love the North Shore. My parents took us to a small motel in Two Harbors nearly every summer when we were growing up, and I think I developed my own personal relationship with the lake over the course of those years. I wanted my nieces to have that same opportunity, so we're starting a North Shore tradition with them. We'll take next year off (for London!), but we'll return again the following summer and hopefully many more.

Staying in a hotel always means cable! We choose not to pay for cable stations at home, which makes all those extra channels very exciting when we're on the road. And what did I choose to watch with all those choices? Hoarders. That show puts my mom's cluttered tendencies in perspective, although she does have one room in the house that is bordering on hoarders-level disarray. But mostly what I'm left with after watching those episodes is how sad it is that mental health support is so difficult to access. I am lucky that I can afford to see a therapist when I need one, that I can afford medications that help me regulate my own mental health. Clearly the people profiled on Hoarders have years of mental health dysfunction permeating their lives. They needed help a long time ago, and by this point their coping strategies are so ingrained that any change is of course viewed as a threat. It's heartbreaking to see people so trapped in their stuff, the physical stuff but even more so the emotional stuff. As I sit here with my cat on my lap, in a clean and organized house, listening to NPR and typing away, I am lucky that the circumstances in my life have led me right here.

normal: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

2011-06-29T10:44:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've finally reached summertime. Summertime meaning sleeping in a bit later, reading in the hammock, hanging out with my cat, pretty much doing what I feel like doing. I'm lucky to have this time. Rowing continues to make me happy, and even though I entered the season feeling out of shape and heavy, I feel stronger and more confident with every row. I'm lucky to have that in my life as well.

Most of June was a little off-kilter for me. The case I sat on for jury duty lasted until June 17th...which meant getting on the bus every morning around 8:00, sitting in court until 4:30, and getting back home around 5:30. I know that's a regular work day, but I wasn't anticipating having regular work days extend into mid-June. Add to that some work I needed to finish for a course at the U of MN, and I'm feeling like this week is my first week of summer.

I met with my therapist last week for the first time in a month as well. I needed it. We continue to talk about the inner conversations I have about food. I had an especially rough time with food--well, not food so much as the inner dialogue about food--while I was on my off-kilter June schedule. Sometimes I feel like I let food issues rear up when something else is going on, something I don't want to acknowledge. Food can be a good distraction. It can be all consuming if I let it.

It's funny, but what I want to be my "normal" eating habits, what I think should be my normal eating habits, are far from my own status quo. In the last 7 or 8 years, I think I've had maybe 18-20 months of healthy "virtuous" eating. And those 18-20 months have been intermittent. And yet I continue to believe that the habits I developed during those months are my own personal normal, and everything else has been abnormal. The truth is, my real "normal" habits, the ones I've practiced over 80% of the last 7 to 8 years, are not horrible. They might even be a smidge about average compared to a typical American diet. But boy do I judge myself about those habits.

And in response to that, my therapist posed the magic question: what if how I eat now is OK?

What if I just stopped judging, stopped striving for what I think should be normal and just accept that what I'm doing right now is normal? And normal is OK.

Whew. That's a loaded question. I believe deep down that normal is not OK for me, that I need to be functioning above normal, above average in all aspects of my life. I don't need to be super high achieving in everything...just a little bit better than average. That's important to me. Why it's important to me is of course at the root of many things.

But I'm trying to be OK with my current normal eating habits. For the last week I've relaxed, I've stopped counting points or fruit/veggie servings or anything else. The inner dialogue has quieted a little bit, but it's still there. I'm trying to observe the dialogue without actually acting on it or feeling anything in response to it. To be honest, it's been refreshing to leave the judgement behind.

whew

2011-06-06T22:14:00.065-05:00

I love June. June's my favorite. Apparently in Minnesota we've jumped from chilly spring to steamy summer within a week. Sweaty stuff. But that means it's summer, and summer is a good thing. I'm on temporary hiatus from jury duty and finally get to return to school tomorrow (for the last 4 days of the year). Back to regular life for this week anyway.

Remember when I refused to be stuck anymore? Well...I've been stuck in the last three weeks. I've been rereading Women, Food, and God (to be referenced from here forward as WFandG), and I also bought Jillian Michaels' new book. I continue to get insight after insight from WFandG. Recent examples that really struck me:

All any feeling wants is to be welcomed with tenderness. It wants room to unfold. It wants to relax and tell its story.
You are not a problem to be solved.
The antidote to leaving the body is to be aware that you've left and slowly and gently return to it. Notice one breath, and then another.
The Voice feels and sounds so much like you that you believe it is you. The Voice usurps your strength, passion, and energy--and turns them against you.
There is a place in everyone that is unbroken, that has never gained a pound, never been hungry, never been wounded.

(all quotes from WFandG...I'll have to go back and add in page numbers at some point)

That is good stuff. And then lo and behold, in the midst of Jillian's completely different style of book, I found an important nugget. In her chapter on self-esteem she notes that "even if you manage to overcome a setback or reach a goal, without a foundation of truly valuing yourself, your run the risk of sabotaging your success. This is one of the top reasons that people backslide after they've achieved a goal. They don't feel they deserve the happiness their success will bring them..." (p. 117).

It's funny (or maybe it's not), but last winter and spring when I was so happy, I appreciated it but kind of didn't believe it. I knew happiness could be fleeting, and I kept telling myself "wow, this feels great...enjoy it while it lasts." I didn't believe that long term happiness could really be in the cards for me, and thus, it wasn't. It felt great to be emotionally and physically strong and confident. I marveled at it. But I looked at it from the outside instead of really feeling it from the inside.

blurry

2011-05-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

I'm losing my vision of myself. Not my actual vision, but the internal picture I have of myself. I don't know who it is, who I am. Or maybe I don't like what I am right now, so I'm blurring the lines of what I see. I am a couch sitter. I can't seem to move my body in any physical way. I can't find my way back to being mindful about food. Tonight for example...I had lots of time to go for a run or use the rowing machine or even do just 20 minutes of a Jillian Michaels DVD. I did none of those things.

I've stopped the negotiation process between the moving forward me and the I want to do whatever I feel like me. I stopped because one side didn't appear to be listening anymore, and it kind of sucked to go to bed each night with a plan but then go through the next day ignoring the plan. I know, I know. It sucks because I let it suck. I'm the one who ignores my plans. No one else. I'm in desperate need of my therapist, but I've been on jury duty since last week and haven't been available to meet with her. The case I'm on will continue through next week and the beginning of the following week, so I'm kind of stuck.

Aimless. I guess that's how I feel right now. It's weird.

the EBD* in me

2011-05-17T23:18:00.001-05:00

There's some gnashing of teeth, twisting of hair, and various other anxiety-driven behaviors over here lately. That "I refuse to be stuck here" feeling resonated with me for perhaps a week, and now I'm sliding again. The conversation between my goal oriented self and my do-whatever-I-want-to self is at a standstill. No more collaboration. The goal oriented me is putting forward some rational, reasonable arguments about the benefits of eating more healthfully and moving my body. The I don't want to me is completely ignoring that. Even worse, the I don't want to me pretends to compromise but then never follows through.

Here I thought I was making progress. I even told my therapist in my most recent session (in the first week of May) that all of this food-related stuff was feeling less and less like work. She tells me over and over that there are some very strong emotions coming from the I don't want to side of myself, that my choices are solely driven by emotion when I'm coming from that place. Fear and worry. It's not that emotion is bad, but in other areas of my life I have a hard time with emotion, and perhaps my emotions are all stored up in this one place. Part of me is very protective of that place.

So I'm eating out of fear. Out of rebellion. Out of comfort and worry. I'm just eating and eating and eating. And of course feeling bad about it.

What do you do when part of your inner dialogue is completely unreasonable? When that part doesn't listen, doesn't compromise, doesn't trust? How do you reassure that part of yourself? I know that you can't make someone listen. They have to be ready to listen. Part of me is pretending to listen, but really I'm plugging my ears and sticking out my tongue and saying "I can't hear you."

*EBD refers to one of the categorical designations in special education: emotional and behavioral disorders

another incentive to reach my goal

2011-04-30T22:28:00.001-05:00

The husband and I started a cash budget about a month ago. When we did our taxes this year we had a big reality check, as in "where in the world did all that money go?" And thus, the new budget. I of course outfitted myself with some lovely canvas envelopes to help with the process, because new/cool accessories can be very motivating. We've got an eating out envelope, a groceries envelope, our own personal miscellaneous envelopes, a pet envelope, and I even have a Starbucks envelope. I figure if the husband can get fast food for lunch nearly every day (his "lunch" envelope) I can certainly have a Starbucks budget. And so far this system seems to be working pretty well.

I also have a health/medical budget, which includes my out of pocket medical stuff, my YWCA membership, boat club dues, and Weight Watchers dues. It occurred to me that if I was actually a true lifetime member, at my goal weight, I wouldn't be paying those WW dues. That would be an extra $480 per year. I sure would love to transfer those funds to my miscellaneous envelope :) I've got another incentive to stay unstuck.

an interruption in my regularly scheduled mind programming

2011-04-18T21:39:00.002-05:00

I'm working hard on making my internal conversations external, as directed by my therapist. I've been journaling from the two opposing voices that seem to dictate my mood, my activity, my choices. This is old school journaling, real paper and an actual pencil, because I feel like if I recorded those conversations here I would look really crazy, and let's just keep that a secret. But in the last couple weeks I've been pretty diligent about recording those thoughts up until about mid-week, and then I just get tired, physically tired, and the journaling ceases.

Yesterday I was thinking about the mid-week slump. I'm at this stuck-spot, this gradually getting heavier spot, a place where I feel like I am expending a lot of mental energy to keep from filling myself with Oreo blizzards and to avoid filling increasingly large pant sizes. And yet I am slowly moving in that direction. It occurred to me that I have never in the past gotten myself out of this stuck-spot. I get here and struggle and get bigger and struggle and get bigger. That's just how it works for me. How it has always worked.

And then, brainstorm. Or light bulb moment. Who knows? I just decided that this time I will get out of this spot. Something about hearing myself say "you've never been successful working through this" jolted me out of a haze. Something about that word never triggered a very strong gut reaction. I can be half-hearted about the work I'm doing with my therapist, I can kind of do it, part of the time. But then I will be stuck for a long time. And I refuse to spend another 5 year chunk of my life trying to get unstuck.

So I shall continue journaling from those two opposing voices, through Wednesday and beyond :) Because clearly I need to do this for quite a while before it becomes a naturally firing neural pathway. It feels good to know that I am getting unstuck, right here and right now.

too far away

2011-04-09T13:43:00.000-05:00

I don't like feeling behind on things. I get stressed when I feel like I'm not as far as I should be, and then I avoid the task in question because it feels uncomfortable to be behind, and then I trail farther and farther behind my goal. This is true in my work habits, and just in the last 9 months or so I think I've figured out a system to keep myself from falling so far behind. When I know I have a lot of paperwork looming, I plot out a timeline and then break down those bigger tasks into the chunks I want to get done each day. And somehow, miraculously, I've been able to keep to that schedule and actually get my work done on time.

The fact that I need a system for task completion is a big duh from my perspective as a special education teacher. I coach my students on this kind of thing all the time. We task analyze, we make small goals, we celebrate each completed part as we move forward. Why this is the first year I've actually considered the same strategy for myself is beyond me. But it's working for me. I've also realized that when I don't put that structure in place I fall immediately back to my old habits; I wait until the last day or two before a deadline to finally start the work, although I think about the work and stress about the work nearly every day in the meantime.

This same worry carries over into my eating and activity cycles. It's hard for me to refine my food choices when I feel so far away from my goal of balanced choices. It's hard for me to maintain an activity schedule when I feel thick and out of shape. It all seems so far away. I've tried making lists and breaking activity or food planning into smaller, more manageable chunks, but I tend to just ignore those lists. That's why I find it miraculous that I actually follow through with my task lists for work. I have a history of ignoring regimented to-do lists. There's a lot more behind the scenes baggage with food and activity, and a task analysis doesn't seem up to that kind of challenge. Still working on it...

gemini emerges

2011-03-31T10:27:00.001-05:00

Still working on things. I wonder what it would be like to not be working on things, to feel like where I am right now is OK. I have this incessant need to be moving forward, onward and upward, better and stronger and smarter. Which is exhausting.

I'm working through my latest insight about this constant mental tug of war. There's always a running conversation in my head: "you should get off the couch," "but I don't want to do anything besides watch TV," "you should follow your meal plans," "but it's too hard, and I just want to eat what I want to eat." Over and over and over. The "I don't want to" voice is always the loudest and bossiest, and that's the voice that wins out. The other part of me is the part that wants to move forward, that wants progress and healthiness. But that part is quieter...she puts her opinion out there but doesn't fight for it. And so I succumb to my loudest voice, and I remain inert.

My last round with the therapist helped frame this a little for me. She wanted me to realize that the loud voice, the "I don't wanna" voice, is really trying to protect me from working too hard. That part of me wants to make sure that I don't spend all of my days working working working without some time to recuperate physically and emotionally. But that part of me also feels ignored; I don't think I should need down time. I think down time should be whatever is left over after all the other to-do's on my life list are checked off. So that loud shouting person worries she won't get heard, and she has to make her point loud and clear.

The work is in the compromise, in the collaborative effort to get both parts of what I want: the forward movement, and the rest. It is definitely work. I don't know how I got so stuck here.

kit kats and peanut butter cups

2011-02-28T20:49:00.000-06:00

Sometimes a cupcake or a candy bar feels like it will solve all my problems. Short term problems anyway. I know that a mouthful of chocolate and sugar will do the opposite of solving my problems, but I still sometimes feel a little rush, a little fluttering frisson, when I think about rushing out to the gas station to get a Kit Kat (my current favorite). I've been thinking a lot about when and where food started playing this role in my life.

The summer after sixth grade was the first summer my brother and I got to stay home by ourselves instead of spending each day at our babysitter's house. That was the summer I learned the magic of Kraft macaroni and cheese and frozen french toast sticks. Not eaten at the same time of course. But those two things, along with a bologna and cheese sandwich with Miracle Whip were my lunchtime staples. Probably once or twice a week I biked 4 blocks to the dairy store (it was actually called The Dairy Store, and for a long time I thought all convenience stores were called dairy stores) with a dollar in my pocket and a candy bar on my brain. I remember feeling that same little thrill in my stomach, that same little bit of "I can have whatever I want, so there!" self talk. Who was I talking to? I don't think my parents cared if I biked to the store for a candy bar. It's the same feeling I have now when I my brain is telling me I need a Kit Kat. Hmmm. There's probably some psychological thing going on there, going on here. I shall explore that at a later date. Not up for the self exploration/revelation work right about now.

my hometown neighborhood dairy store

monday monday

2011-02-21T12:14:00.000-06:00

It's a snowy Monday here in the Midwest, and I'm lucky to have the day off. Hooray for Mondays off. I just finished some at-home yoga (the Monday routine in Eoin Finn's Blissology Project), and it had the unintended effect of washing a little sadness over me. My body appreciates the movement, but I know sometimes yoga can open you up to emotion, and sadness must have been the emotion waiting at the gate. I've been on a pretty even keel the last couple weeks...stable. Today I think is just one of those days.

I want to have moved beyond the side effects of my medication but I'm still stuck there. Words are important to me and maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with it. I don't feel like writing anymore, because it doesn't feel like I have anything to say. I stumble over words in meetings and feel less than competent as a result. My interest in reading has declined...I don't feel like I have the cognitive capacity to stay engaged in more difficult texts anymore. I've got about 3 more weeks until I meet with my psychiatrist, and on my last visit we talked about lowering the dose in March so I'm holding out for that. It's good to not be sad. But I'm also not myself.

freedom vs. shoulds

2011-02-05T22:19:00.000-06:00

Another interesting session with my therapist this week. I wanted some help figuring out why I don't follow through with activity plans, even if those plans are reasonable. I start the week thinking "swimming on Monday and Thursday, ski once during the week, and maybe some yoga at home." But each night when I get home from school I head to the couch and I stay there. And I feel kind of bad about it, but not bad enough to get myself off the couch. Most of the time activity still falls in the "should" category for me, and it's not that I don't like swimming or running or yoga. Rowing is the only thing that never feels like a "should."

So we talked about my need for freedom, my need to have choice in the things that I do during the day. Work is not a choice, and I spend a long part of each day following someone else's structure. That would be the case in any job. And since activity feels like another "should" after I've spent 10 hours doing things not in my control (broadly speaking, because of course I have control over how I get my work done and the way I interact with kids and colleagues and so on...but going to work is a should...it just is), I want freedom. Freedom to lay on the couch and do nothing. I've come to that realization myself in the last couple years, but it hasn't stopped me from feeling mega-guilt over my lack of activity during the work week.

We also talked about how reading Geneen Roth changed my thoughts about food, and I really don't have food guilt or food "shoulds" anymore. My therapist suggested that for a few weeks I start framing activity in that same way. I can move around, but I don't have to. Moving isn't a "should." My body will tell me what it needs, and I trust my body. Interesting. It never occurred to me to apply those strategies to my thoughts about activity. I like it.

new baseline

2011-01-16T10:04:00.001-06:00

I'm seeing a new therapist, and she is really good. From only a couple sessions I can tell that she is very insightful and intuitive, and I already feel like I've learned a bunch of good stuff. In my last session we talked a bit about how my mood is on an upswing again, and maybe, just maybe, I'll have a spring like I had last year. The spring of feeling good. It was wonderful and fleeting. Interestingly, my therapist suggested that maybe this "feeling good" place should be my new baseline, my new normal. It was a revolutionary thought! Feeling happy and good could be my normal? I don't have to be OK with floating just under the line of happiness for most of my days? Crazy talk. But no, it's true. I could have happy as my normal, and use strategies and support to stay calibrated right there. That would be a start to a new story about myself, a new plot line that before seemed a little outrageous.

Food and weight related news: I am up about ten pounds from where I was last April, pre-Key West. Ten pounds seems like a lot when you put it in print like that. I'm a little worried about my thinking, as lately I've been putting timelines on weight loss ("I could lose ten pounds by spring"). Timelines don't work for me, and in fact I rebel against them. The miracle of this last round of WW has been how much I didn't think about the final goal but instead moved along week by week doing my best. Lately I've been stepping back to look at the big picture when really I'm most successful chugging along doing my little part, not thinking about how the small things add up to big things.

ponderings

2011-01-09T17:23:00.000-06:00

I am 36 years old, and I have lived a privileged life thus far. I have health and home and people who love me, and I would say my exposure to the harsh realities of the world is limited. I've been thinking a lot about life, about living, about the finality of not living. This is not a cry-for-help post or a mega-depressed post. I've just been thinking...

By a person's mid 30s, most likely he or she has experienced death in some form. Grandparents. Older relatives. A cousin died in a car accident after her senior year of high school, two of my grandparents died when I was in my early 20s, a favorite uncle died unexpectedly after a routine surgery about 10 years ago, my grandmother died last fall. I went to funerals and I cried, but somehow the idea of death still felt nebulous. I knew intellectually what it meant for someone to die, and I understood that missing presence in our families and our lives. But I didn't really know.

Last summer we had to put our cat to sleep. She was so, so sick, and her last week is still very difficult for me to think about. I will of course always remember being in the room with her, holding her in a big blanket, while our vet administered the phenobarbital. And within seconds the life was gone. I didn't see any point in staying longer in the room with her when really there was nothing there anymore. And it now seems so much more clear how there can be life, and then not life. When I hear about accidents where someone has died at the scene, I think about that moment of life and then not life. I feel it more, I understand the tangibleness of being alive.

I've been thinking about how everyone arrives at this realization at some point in their lives. We live our own individual meaningful lives, but we also live in the broader human experience. What I experience has been experienced by millions of other people. It seems like a secret revealed, an innocence that we all lose. And I guess I've just been thinking about it lately. Maybe that thinking, that mulling over, has played a part in my low spirits over the last few months. I don't know. But I seem to slowly be emerging from that low place, maybe a little bit of a different person than I was before it.

yawn

2011-01-05T21:06:00.000-06:00

Lots of exclamation points around the blogosphere lately. It's good to see excitement, and it makes me wistful. I remember when I too used exclamation points in very uplifting posts. I'll get there again. I haven't formulated 2011 goals yet. My weekdays feel too full and my brain too depleted for me to devote thought to the entire year ahead. Maybe this weekend...

My major good-for-me news is my new sleep routine. Over my two week break I realized that yes, indeed, I do need 8 hours of sleep. I can pretend 6 is enough. I can want 6 to be enough. But 8 it is. I've started taking melatonin at 8:00 to trigger sleepiness earlier in the evening, and it's working. I'm usually asleep by 11:00 instead of sometime after 12. Sleep is good. I'm hoping the rest of my schedule shifts a little to reflect this change, because it does feel like my evenings have disappeared. But I'm getting my sleep. One step at a time.

2011

2011-01-02T17:02:00.000-06:00

goodbye gray sky, hello blue

2010-12-30T20:26:00.000-06:00

Perhaps that's a good way to close out 2010? Welcome blue skies back into my life? I'm still chugging along with this mood of mine, and the skies are mostly gray around here, in weather and in life. I still feel like a bait and switch happened this year. Happy, then not happy. And the happy was oh so wonderful. Shall I be resigned to the reality that I am not meant for that level of happiness? That doesn't seem right. But right now I'm thinking too much, feeling too much, wondering too much about my place in the larger scheme of the life. Existential angst I guess. It all sounds horribly self-centered and pretentious. It's not a place I enjoy very much.

In non-existential news, the husband and I bought brand new cross country skis for Christmas and we've used them twice already. My upper quadriceps can definitely feel those two excursions. Holy smokes do I have soreness. I'm hoping to get out and about on the skis a couple times a week this winter. That, along with a weekly swim conditioning class that starts next week and the indoor rowing plan put together by my rowing coach, should keep me moving for the next couple of months. I'm hoping it all works like magic on my mood.

mental work

2010-12-22T21:33:00.000-06:00

Therapy is hard. Uff-da, as they say here in Minnesota. I went to a brand new therapist today, someone our school social worker recommended to me. The first visit or two to a therapist/psychiatrist/mental health person is always mentally exhausting for me. It's "put it all out there" time, sharing the big picture me and not just the little tidbits of me that I parcel out to other people when I'm having a hard time. I knew it was going to be hard, and of course I cried, because that's what I do when I finally talk to someone objectively about my life. But I can tell already that this new person is good. I wish I wouldn't cry so much though.

In our 90 minutes today we talked about my need for a "warm" place, somewhere or someone or something that envelops me and relaxes me and accepts me without expectation. My husband is that for me. And Cal was definitely that for me. Lena is working her way into that for me. I know I need that warmth in my life, but I often feel like I should be doing other things instead of taking that time to get what I need. I should be working. I should be running. I should be cleaning. Shoulds. It was an interesting beginning to our discussion.

Tomorrow I meet with my psychiatrist to check in on this new dose of Wellbutrin. Apparently this is my own personal mental health week. I'm torn about my medication. Most of the time I don't feel sad anymore, and I really really like this newfound ability to cope without food. But...and this is a big but: I definitely feel the impact of the cognitive dulling. Word retrieval is hard. I have to pause mid-conversation to compose my thoughts. I can't pull things up from memory when I need to. And strangely enough, when I'm writing I often type an entirely wrong word mid-sentence, without really being aware of it. So tomorrow I'll see what my options are. I guess right now I'd rather not have food compulsions, or any kind of compulsions for that matter. That may be more important than not finding the right word at the right time. I wish I didn't have to make those kinds of choices.

new and improved!

2010-11-29T22:32:00.000-06:00

I threw the exclamation point into the title just to perk things up a bit. I'm not feeling exclamation-point worthy, but I'll fake it for today.

Yesterday my WW meeting was packed. Packed I tell you. I would say our meeting size tripled or quadrupled, which I think is saying a lot for an 8 AM Sunday meeting. All the hubbub was of course related to the unveiling of a new program. Today was my first day following the new and improved fancy PointsPlus system. So far so good. I'll check back in later this week to see if it's still so far so good.

In non-WW news, there's not much. I survived a few days with the in-laws, which is no easy feat for me. I couldn't rely on my go-to strategy--drinking wine--but I hung in there. It's tough for an introverted person in a major funk to manage coexisting with 3 nieces under 7, a sister-in-law and her own moody erratic husband, and both of my husband's parents. All in a small one-level house. For three days. But I did it. No crying or irritable comments on my part. I consider that a success.

checked out

2010-11-16T22:02:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I just don't want to be a part of things. At this point I'd be fine with leaving my job for good tomorrow (which of course is not going to happen, but that doesn't change the fact that I'd be fine with it). I'd be fine eating cereal for dinner by myself most nights. I don't feel any strong impetus to visit with family. I don't know. I'm disconnected. I feel bad for my husband, who clearly deserves someone who's a little bit more checked-in, someone who can make her own not-cereal dinner once in a while. Someone who might actually want to go out and about beyond a movie theater, which is basically like being by yourself anyway.

A few years ago, when I was going through my last pretty hard time, I was on two medications, and I ended up not feeling anything. I don't think I was unhappy or happy. I was just...functioning. This time around, I'm not sure if I'm in that same place. I just feel unattached. Except to my cat. I feel pretty attached to my cat :)

too much

2010-11-14T19:54:00.001-06:00

It snowed yesterday, and it was beautiful. I do like snow. I like how it feels like I'm living in a snow globe when I look out the windows. I like standing outside, looking up at the sky and seeing a dizzying amount of flakes floating down. I should clarify: I like it when it's snowing. I don't much like the few days after a snowfall when the plows come out and scrape not only the snow but the dirt and debris off the roads. The blanket of white is gone, and in its place dingy gray chunks line the streets. I also don't much like the sparkling contrast of bright blue skies against clean white snow. Somehow it's too much for me, the glittering crystals a little bit too piercing, all of it a little bit too harsh. But yesterday was a great snowy day...the skies and the snow like a thick sweater around my shoulders. I don't know exactly how to explain it.

Today the white was muddied with dirt and leaves and all the other remnants of fall, and to make it worse, the sun was out. Ugh. The sun just makes it that much easier to see the sad things. I'm not really getting better. It feels like I'm seeing things too clearly, with too much precision. I'm taking too much in, and it overwhelms me.

wondering

2010-11-06T22:51:00.000-05:00

I've been reflecting fondly back on the first six months of 2010. I felt so good during those months. I was almost unrecognizable to myself, but I rationalized that regular people probably feel good most of the time. Now I'm not so good, but I'm functioning. Pretty much anyway. And it all makes me think that maybe most people aren't so introspective about how they feel. Maybe most people are just living in the moment and not dwelling, pondering, mulling.

But I'm pondering. I'm remembering. I'm wondering if happy is not really where I'm supposed to be. Maybe my set point is somewhere between melancholy and mildly content. Happy felt really good though.

mini crisis?

2010-11-01T16:04:00.000-05:00

I had a meltdown at work on Friday--thankfully not with or in front of students--and couldn't compose myself for about 45 minutes. Just typing that sounds pretty scary. My workload is impossibly unmanageable, and I just hit the breaking point. My principal ordered a mental health day today, a day in which I do not plan for school, think about school, do paperwork for school. I probably scared him. I scared myself.

That same night the husband and I went to a concert, one I've been looking forward to for months. I had some drinks, which is normal, and I felt very good for the first half of the show. I even wrote "I heart drunkenness" in my little notebook that accompanies me everywhere. But then I started feeling not good at all, bad enough that we left before the show was over. I can't explain how I felt...it wasn't like any alcohol-related effect I've experienced before. And I only had four drinks, which in one long evening is not a big deal for me. Four drinks is happiness. When we got home I started crying uncontrollably.

Those are scary things. I realized on Saturday that those warnings on my Wellbutrin patient insert about not drinking are serious. I've been on what I would consider a medium dosage for the last year, and I've done my share of imbibing with no ill effects. But now that I'm up to the highest dosage, clearly my body cannot handle more than a drink or maybe two. It has something to do with how the medication is metabolized in the liver, or something like that. I'm also noticing increased hand tremors and more moments of "blankness," times when I can't bring up what I want to in my mind. I'm giving this dosage another week to see if those side effects decrease.

This is not my normal life.

the life of the mind

2010-10-23T19:18:00.000-05:00

Today I started on a higher dose of my anti-depressant, as prescribed by my psychiatrist in yesterday's office visit. I know that it takes a few weeks to reach full efficacy, but today was a good start. Here's what I noticed...

At least 10 times today the "maybe I should eat something" thought came to the surface, and each and every one of those times I was able to observe that thought for what it was (a habit, a coping mechanism) and move on. In the last several weeks the "maybe I should eat something" thought has been compulsive, driving me to eat Oreo blizzards and Kit Kat bars and other sugary food products all the time. I knew the thought was a habit, a coping mechanism, but I couldn't look it in the eye and ignore it.

It's amazing to me how much internal strife exists in our minds. It's mentally exhausting to swat down that intrusive "eat something" thought all the time. And yet today, I didn't have to swat it or battle it or decide anything. I just observed it objectively as a thought and nothing more.

That alone has improved my mood.

dark

2010-10-21T18:52:00.000-05:00

Not feeling very happy lately. Feeling pretty unhappy actually. And I have been eating with abandon. Since the school year started I've gone up a clothing size, and I've gained nearly 10 pounds. I'm afraid to check the exact number. I haven't been rowing. I haven't been doing anything except work, and stress out about work, and lie on the couch all night. I did yoga once last week, and that's it for physical activity for the last 2 or 3 weeks. I sight a lot. It feels hard to take full breaths, like something is wrapped around me too tightly.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist, and in addition to asking for a referral to a therapist, I'm hoping a medication change is in my future. That worries me too though...I have small but noticeable (to me, not to other people) side effects at my current dosage which I hope won't be exacerbated by a higher dose. Or maybe I need to try something new, although the thought of trying anything that has weight gain as a potential side effect does not cheer me at all.

So...another night on the couch, comatose in front of Thursday night TV. Oh the life I live.

tummy trouble

2010-10-17T20:18:00.001-05:00

My stomach has been turning all day in response to job stress. I know I probably have moments like this every year, but in the last week I've been thinking so much about how I sacrifice mental and physical health for my job. Probably everyone sacrifices health for their job...after all, very few of us get to live exactly the lives we'd like to lead. I don't even know what life I'd like to lead. I know it would involve not getting up too early, leaving work at work, and having energy left in the evening to be a functioning person rather than a lump on the couch. But I also know that I don't really have strategies to cope with the stress of my job. Or the strategies that I do have--eating and task avoidance--don't help. I flounder around a lot, complaining about lack of strategies. I'm thinking about asking my psychiatrist (I see her this week!) if maybe counseling/therapy might help me out on this. When I'm stuck in the muck of my life it's hard for me to see a way out. I know small steps are the answer, but I just don't take them. I don't do anything.

I was looking back for last year's post about my light therapy box, and it looks like it was about this time last year that I started sitting in front of the light. Looks like it's time to dig that contraption out again and spend part of my early morning hours in front of the light instead of sleeping.

blog? what blog?

2010-10-03T18:44:00.000-05:00

My last post was early September. Crazy. I think this happened last year too...it took a good 6 to 8 weeks of school before I was back to writing on my own, for my own purposes. Apparently there's no time to be introspective during the first month and a half of the school year. Apparently I'm also too overwhelmed with day-to-day tasks to attend to my food and health needs. The last couple weeks have been a food frenzy, with multiple trips to Dairy Queen and lots of chocolate and doughnuts. The list could go on and on. And I've been out of the rowing loop for the last two weeks due to serious flooding on the Mississippi. We pulled up the docks at the boathouse, and the river reached its peak yesterday. The water isn't going down as fast as predicted, and even when it does I think it's going to be fast. Not at all like typical fall rowing, when the river is usually calm and slow-moving and practically perfect. Plus, the days are getting shorter and shorter, which means evening rows come to a halt. Maybe two or three Saturdays are left in the season.

So I've been eating, and sitting around. And working late. I need this to be the year that I find an off-season activity that keeps me engaged and moving. Left to my own devices I tend toward stasis. I feel like today I've moved out of the consumption phase of the last two weeks. I'm ready to eat fruits (and a vegetable or two) again. I'm ready to leave the chocolate headaches behind for a while.

yawn

2010-09-07T21:18:00.000-05:00

So tired. The first day of school was a good one...no meltdowns or calamities or lost children. Those things will happen. Such is the nature of my job, but they didn't happen today. And even on a good first day I am so very tired.

At Sunday's weigh-in I did not lose my half-pound to pound weekly goal. Nope. I gained. Sometimes I wonder how I can possibly expect something different than that after a week that included Dairy Queen, homemade cake, a Happy Meal at McDonald's, and who knows what else. Aside from maybe one occasion, I did not feel like I was eating for emotional reasons though. I just made choices that kept me from losing weight. Sweet and sugary choices by the looks of things.

It's a new week, and I've got a renewed goal. I feel good. Tired but good.

yes I can

2010-08-30T19:46:00.000-05:00

I love this idea of a virtual weight loss meeting. I actually do go to a weekly WW meeting (most weeks), but I've been avoiding it because my weight has been going up and up instead of down. I know the weigh-in is a place free of judgement. I know my leader would prefer that I show up and weigh in instead of staying home out of shame and embarrassment. I know all these things, and yet I did not go to my meeting yesterday morning. I will go back. I will.

Anyhoo, my weight is nudging upward instead of downward. I worry, because I feel precariously close to just giving up. I miss that feeling of effortlessness, the ease I had in losing weight all last year. Giving up means I will most certainly regain the 25 pounds I've lost in the last year. Giving up means I got so close to goal but never really achieved it. Giving up would not be good. Oh the head games I play.

What is going well for you right now? I'm getting activity in most days of the week, including getting up before school on Friday for a run. Before school! Miraculous.
Where do you need to improve? I need to eat when I'm hungry. I need to minimize the emotional eating that seems to be taking over.
What new recipe do you want to try this week? the tomato and goat cheese tart on the cover of September's Everyday Food magazine
What was your favorite new food find or recipe from last week? Tomato and Provolone Sandwich from Eating Well
What is your general weight trend right now? This week...maintained. Last week...up a couple pounds from the last time I dared show my face at WW (which was late July).
How do you feel about your weight loss efforts? I feel like I'm losing my grip on healthy eating behaviors and am worried about the negative thoughts that are creeping in.
What is your weight loss goal for next week? Half a pound to one pound loss.
What two weight-loss behavior goals do you plan to give 100% to this week? 1) counteracting negative thoughts using some of my Beck tools 2) writing down my food all week, not just the first 3-4 days of the week (as is my current habit)
What do you fear most about trying to get group support? Judgement.
What can other people give you that would be truly helpful? encouragement with expectation...not letting me off the hook

it's been a while

2010-08-19T16:34:00.000-05:00

Things have been moving along, perhaps not swimmingly, but moving forward. I don't feel so stationary anymore. The husband brought home a new cat a couple weeks ago and she looks quite a bit like Cal. He didn't intend to bring home a look-alike cat, but apparently she was super friendly at the Humane Society and he couldn't say no. Even if she did look like Cal. She's a little girl, and she loves to lick, which I would say is her only problem behavior. I'm not a fan of licking and thus do not have dogs. But I think the licking was maybe anxiety-related...now that she's been here a couple weeks the intensity has died down. Otherwise she is wonderful and cuddly and loving and just what I needed. And she has a very Minnesota name: Lena.

In other news, I'm intimately bonded with ice cream this summer. I can't seem to get enough of it. Having a Dairy Queen half a block away doesn't help. I've been beating myself up about it...another Drumstick, another trip to Sebastian Joe's, another Oreo Blizzard. Today I just decided that it has to be OK that I want ice cream. If I OK it in my mind, I hope that takes away the guilt and maybe the intense need. On a related note, way back in late May I was .4 pounds away from goal, and now I'm about 5 pounds. Not insurmountable, but clearly going in the wrong direction. I was uptight and depressed (can those two things co-occur?) about it for a while, but I think I'm back to that nice even keel where I realize things are what they are and I can only move forward.

thursday

2010-08-05T10:35:00.001-05:00

I woke up to a brand new day, a brand new mood. Whew. Last night I was reading Women Food and God before bed, and this jumped out at me (about eating and sadness):

"But if I follow the Guidelines and don't eat to push down my sadness, then I have to feel it--and then what?" Before I answer the "then what" part, I point out that the sadness is already present and that the only thing that eating does is add yet another source of sadness: after the food is gone, the original source of sadness is still there except that now they have topped it with the sadness or frustration or hopelessness about their conflicted relationship with food. (p. 186).

Sitting with my feelings has been unpleasant lately, and I do feel like I'm at the "then what" stage...I'm sitting and feeling and now what? But today is a different story. I feel good. The air is cool, the sky is blue, I've opened the windows, and it feels like a good day. I do remember what it's like to be happy.

wednesday

2010-08-04T14:50:00.000-05:00

I am having a hard time. I guess I didn't realize how important my mood is in being able to manage food and weight issues. When I'm happy I'm not thinking about food. I don't care about food. I eat enough to keep me going and I don't worry beyond that. When I'm not happy I think about food a lot, because I don't want to be left with whatever is going on in my mind. Even if the food thoughts create stress, it apparently seems better to focus on that instead of figuring out what's really going on. So here I am, going back and forth to the cupboards, going back and forth in my mind about whether I should go to WW on Sunday (and if I don't go on Sunday, when will I go? how heavy will I be once I get there?). I knew those 25 pounds seemed to go away too easily.

I know all the "back on track" remedies: write everything down, stock the house with healthy stuff, get activity in every day (which I'm already doing), reread my WW materials, blah blah blah. I know all that stuff, but it's not going to work. Those things won't address what's really going on, which is head stuff--it's not about tracking or setting up my environment or buckling down. I'm a little scared of this place. I know where it can lead. On the surface it probably seems like I'm fine...I'm going to yoga 3-4 times a week, I'm rowing, I get out of the house every day, I schedule time with friends each week. But that doesn't mean I'm OK.

keeping my hands busy

2010-08-01T21:11:00.000-05:00

I've started a new knitting project, which brings my yearly project average up to about 2 items per year. I practically have to relearn what I'm doing every time I start something new, but do I let that stop me? In fact, upon request from her mother I even attempted to teach my oldest niece how to knit (using a fun little rhyme that I didn't make up: "in the front door, around the back, peek through the window, and off jumps Jack"). I probably could have used that little rhyme when I learned how to knit. I think I did a pretty good job of getting a 6 year old excited about her knitting skills :)

So I'm working on a Christmas stocking for my newest niece, born just about 4 weeks ago. I have a whole back story about the stockings I've knit for my first two nieces, but I'm trying to let that go. Let's just say that I still use the stocking my mom knit for me when I was little, and when my first niece was born I asked her parents if it would be OK for me to knit her a stocking. I asked because I think your Christmas stocking is a big deal and maybe if I were a parent I wouldn't want someone else deciding it for me. They said, "yes, please, that would be wonderful, so thoughtful," on and on. But now, two nieces later, they're using store-bought boring stockings and my hand knit ones have been relegated to the family pets. So I guess I haven't let it go. I know I'm supposed to give with love and have no expectation after that, but I have a hard time with things like that. Again, I'm working on it. This resentfulness is not something I'm proud of.

But I don't think it's fair to knit stockings for 2 of 3 nieces, so even if this one isn't going to end up as a treasured possession, I'm knitting it so that she knows she's just as important to me as her sisters. And to be honest, it feels good to get my hands back in the knitting groove again. The yarn I'm using is so soft and gray it reminds me of a kitten, and who wouldn't want to be thinking about kittens while knitting? What could be better? So I'm knitting.

fish oil to the rescue

2010-07-27T13:28:00.000-05:00

My mood this summer is not so great. I love summer. Summer is my thing. But this summer all is not well. My life is settling down again...my Mini has returned (after 4 1/2 weeks in repair shop), the house is in order, I've planted what needs to be planted outside. I don't feel behind on any tasks. In fact, I think I've been more productive than ever. Part of that productivity--a lot of it probably--is that I don't feel like I have any reason to sit down and just be anymore. I used to spend a lot of time with my cat on my lap, reading or daydreaming or napping. And that made me happy. But without Cal at home I don't really feel like sitting down to read for an extended period of time. I kind of don't know what to do with myself. So I go to yoga, or I sort through piles of old magazines. I work on my website for school. I guess it's good to keep busy, but being busy has never made me happy.

Yesterday I was at the U of MN to meet with my writing cohort, and I actually had to rehearse an answer to "how's your summer going?" because I know that people really don't want to hear an honest answer. Well, actually my depression seems to be rearing its head, and I've been car-less for a month, and we had to put my cat to sleep. So instead I repeated some glib phrase about summer being great. Right now I feel like even my tone of voice makes me Debi Downer. I don't want to be anyone's downer.

And all of this has had an impact on my thoughts about food. I want to eat for comfort instead of sitting with my feelings. It's no fun to sit with your feelings when they're unhappy ones. I need some other strategies. I'm starting to increase my fish oil dosage to 3000 mg daily because I know that's helped my mood in the past (as a supplement to my regular medication). I'm physically active, and I get enough sunlight. I see other people socially. I watched Colin Farrell on Ellen this morning (because Colin Farrell definitely keeps my mind off other things). I'm trying...but a therapist would probably be a good thing right now.

no distractions

2010-07-23T14:48:00.001-05:00

My lunch today: a blueberry chicken salad from yum! and a bit of a s'more cookie (spur of the moment decision...they looked way too yummy to pass up). I love this salad so much and try to get it every other week or so in the summer. The perfect salad for me is one that has an equal proportion of fruit, protein, and greens with a little sprinkling of cheese, and yum! seems to have this ratio down. I am not a fan of lettuce and spinach and greens in general. Eaten by themselves, even with a spectacular dressing, I feel like I'm trying to corral blades of grass into my mouth. It's too much work for not enough payoff. I like to have my food combinations perfectly proportioned (example: when eating trail mix, I must have a raisin, a peanut, and an M&M in every bite), so a salad like this offers an opportunity for fruit, chicken, and greens in every forkful. So good.

I have no problems focusing my full attention on eating when I'm in the presence of this salad. I savor each bite and have no aversions to the protein element. It's funny...when I think about my favorite foods (pancakes, chocolate cake, peaches and nectarines) I realize that I always eat them mindfully. The deliciousness requires my full attention. It's when I'm not too excited by my food choices that I try to distract myself with another activity. Somehow I need to make every meal as appealing as my lunch was today. Sounds like work to me, but perhaps yummy work?

Oh, and the s'more cookie was fantastic. Homemade graham crackers, marshmallow creme, some kind of chocolatey goodness in the middle. Mmm. I actually only had a few bites and was satisfied, although the rest of that cookie may call my name from the fridge later in the afternoon. Every single dessert I have at yum! is pretty much the best dessert ever. The Patti Cake, the Coconut Cake, the Nut Goodly bar, the Special Yum bar. I really could eat it all. Really. I could. A bite here, a bite there. Mmm again.

but I don't like protein

2010-07-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

I'm trying really hard to honor Geneen's guideline about eating without distractions. For breakfast and lunch (when I'm usually on my own), I make sure I sit down at the table, and I try to stay away from the laptop/iPod/newspaper/any random catalog. I do tend to listen to the radio while I'm eating but I've decided that's OK for me. It may not be OK for everyone, but I don't feel like it distracts me from being aware of what I'm eating.

But today it was tough to keep myself focused on my lunch. I had a small bowl of soup and a turkey sandwich and some cantaloupe. The soup and fruit were good, but I was really only eating the turkey sandwich because I felt like I was missing protein in my meals lately. I've been tired lately. My body is tired and my mind is tired. Sometimes I'm headachy--just a little pressure, nothing debilitating. And sometimes when I'm rowing I start to feel hungry, which is weird (especially since I eat about an hour before I get on the water). So I thought about how I've been eating, and my preference lately for cereal and milk, bread and jam, crackers and cheese, smoothies and fruit. Probably I'm not providing myself enough nutrients.

Which leads me to the turkey sandwich. Today I made the conscious choice to think about what kind of protein type thing sounded appetizing. When I made the sandwich it sounded good, but as I was eating it I really wanted to check my email or flip through our new Seed Savers Exchange catalog. I wanted to do something that actually would distract me from my sandwich. My sandwich was not making me happy, and yet I felt like I should eat it. It was an interesting internal conflict. Not a huge deal, more of an observation. And if I'm tired and headachy, maybe it just means I need more sleep. Start with the obvious.

ice cream part 2

2010-07-22T13:08:00.001-05:00

I used the text from Sunday's blog entry to create a Wordle. A Wordle is a visual cloud of words based on a sample of text...the more often a word occurs the bigger it shows up in the cloud. Clearly there was a lot of ice cream talk in that entry. Mostly I was trying out Wordle before using it with a student I tutor, but it is so cool that I perhaps will need to find other applications for it right here in my blog.

close encounters with ice cream

2010-07-18T22:45:00.000-05:00

I had a week of food sanity, which is always a good thing. WW was good this morning, and I followed it up with a great morning yoga class. But this evening I seem to be having some ice cream issues. Part of it is that just weighed in and have a whole week ahead of me feeling. As in, I can certainly eat several bowls of ice cream with chocolate syrup, because I'm going to eat well (what my body needs, to satisfaction, etc etc etc) all week. And truthfully, that's how I handled last Sunday's food intake and I was fine the rest of the week. But still, there's something going on if I keep eating ice cream beyond satisfaction. Yes, the cool creaminess with chocolaty sweetness is yummy, but what purpose is served by eating multiple bowls? If I really think my body needs ice cream tomorrow or later this week, I can have it. So why eat like the upcoming week is a vast ice-creamless wasteland? Vestiges of diet thinking, that's why. It is tough to let go of diet thoughts. Just when you think you've moved on the old thinking creeps back in, trying to ensnare you once more.

I know I'll be fine tomorrow, and I'm not going to beat myself up about the ice cream. But it's definitely worth a little reflection.

Unrelated to ice cream:

I signed up for a month's worth of unlimited yoga at Corepower Yoga with a super good Groupon deal. I'm excited! I've been to three classes since Tuesday, including an accidentally too hot Level 1 class (the thermostat wasn't turned down from the previous class I guess). Holy smokes did I sweat. Now I know I can make it through a hot yoga class...
Apparently we have a farmers market coming to our neighborhood next spring! Super super exciting! I am lucky to have multiple farmers markets in and around my city, one that I can bike to, one that's blocks away from the boathouse, and of course the mega Minneapolis Farmers Market. But our very own neighborhood market? Awesome! I just emailed the committee chair to see how I can volunteer my time to make our inaugural season a success. Did I mention how excited I am?

enough

2010-07-13T16:33:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching the Oprah episode I recorded from yesterday (the one that I napped through the first time). Geneen was on. I think this is my summer of Geneen :) It is both heartening and heartbreaking to see a show like this. Heartening that more and more people are reading and talking about how to end the fight with food. Heartbreaking that so many people are in so much pain. Every question asked on the show reflected our collective inability to...trust ourselves, believe in ourselves, honor ourselves, believe that we alone are enough. I was talking back to the TV, right along with Geneen and Oprah, telling these women (women that could really stand in for everywoman) that it's OK to be tired, it's OK to want to treat yourself well, it's OK to have imperfections, it's OK to be happy in the place you are right now.

Easy for me to say, not so easy for me to believe and do for my own self. At least not right now. Not the happy part anyway. But sitting with my feelings is part of just existing in my own space, and that's not always going to be happy. I think I've made a lot of progress in understanding who I am, what motivates me, what clouds my judgement. The more I think about this, the more I realize the amount of work it's been. I don't come from a family of "feelers," and it is still hard for me to show emotion. I used to eat instead of being, instead of feeling. I didn't know that's what I was doing, but now I do, and I think I'm closer and closer to having a healthy relationship with food.

that old feeling

2010-07-12T11:27:00.002-05:00

The last few days have been hard. I've had that physical feeling of unhappiness, that feeling in my chest that seems like heartache. I'm not sure how else to describe it, but that heartache feeling always accompanies a decline in mood and a decreasing desire to do anything but curl up into a ball on the couch. By now the husband recognizes the change in my eyes, the blankness in my face, when I'm in that place, and he tried for most of the weekend to keep me engaged and out of my head. We did mega-digging and replanting in the SE corner of our backyard and now it looks like a whole new corner. We went to an outdoor concert down at the band shell last night. We went to Home Depot to look for edging for the aforementioned remade corner garden. I even weighed in at WW yesterday morning, even though I knew it wouldn't be pleasant.

So it's not like I've really hunkered down and withdrawn myself from life, but I mostly feel like I'm going through the motions. This morning I got myself out of the house to run, but after a couple blocks I almost turned around and went back home. I didn't, but it was close. And this afternoon I need to bike to school and bike to Penzey's (because my car is still in the shop), but I just don't want to. Just the thought makes me exhausted. I'm easily overwhelmed by regular life right now.

I know it all sounds like blathering. Woe is me and blah blah blah. I'll just keep going through the motions of my daily life and hope that the spark returns.

summer returns

2010-07-09T14:08:00.000-05:00

the view from my hammock

Slowly but surely life is settling back into summertime mode. The book club meetings are over, my car issues are resolved after the flash flooding from two weeks ago, the house is clean, and I have nothing on my schedule. It's so quiet in the house without Cal, and it's lonely. But I have my own time back. I've been quite active...running or rowing most days, along with yoga or the 30 Day Shred, so I'm doubling up activity on most weekdays. No swimming at the local pool because I've been car-less for 2 weeks, but I'm hoping to get back in the swim of things next week. My belly is feeling thicker. I think my whole mid-section (hips, bottom, belly) feels rounder than it's been in a while, which is a direct result of eating mindlessly. I'm ready for mindfulness again. In her book Women Food and God, Geneen Roth talks about food compulsions as a way to escape our bodies. I've definitely been trying to escape my life lately. But she also offers an antidote to leaving your body: 1) be aware that you've left, and 2) slowly and gently return to it. Start by just noticing one breath, and then another. I can do that.

traces

2010-07-06T23:18:00.001-05:00

I mega-cleaned this morning in preparation for a book group meeting that I (along with our school social worker) volunteered to facilitate (and host) this summer. Our house is old, and I'm very cognizant of smells and not-quite-sparkling tiles and things that might gross people out. I'm probably picky, but I don't want people to enter our home and wonder "what's that smell?" Having a cat entails having smells, and in the last week Cal had issues with her bladder. Thus, cat smells that should be contained in the litter box were not necessarily contained as such. She couldn't help it. So all morning I cleaned and cleaned, trying to make sure our house didn't smell like a litter box. But as I was cleaning I kept thinking that I was erasing all the signs that Cal ever had a presence in our house. No more little trails of litter deposited from her paws as she walked over to her favorite couch spot. The litter boxes are gone, the food bowl is gone, the ever-flowing fountain is gone. And here I am, all morning, scrubbing all traces of her away.

I still of course have pictures around the house. And I left her newest toy, a catnip doughnut, on the floor upstairs. But it still felt traitorous to be cleaning so thoroughly.

exhausted

2010-07-05T20:56:00.002-05:00

It's been a long few days. Too many things and people and schedules to manage, and in the middle of it all we had to put our cat to sleep Saturday morning. And then we had to leave for the weekend, forced (in my opinion) to spend the last few days being pleasant and social. We finally got back home around 7:00 tonight, and of course our house is empty. No Cal waiting for us. It's amazing how empty the house feels without her quiet presence. I don't know how I'm going to feel spending time at home now this summer when it's just me.

So I'm tired. Tired of being social for so many days in a row without retreating to a place of my own. Tired of having to live someone else's schedule when things in my life required their own time and attention. Tired and sad.

sigh

2010-06-23T22:54:00.000-05:00

Cal is sick again. Unhappy face :(

She's spending the night at the U of MN small animal hospital (again), and I think she'll probably be OK after they get fluids in her. And an enema. Another unhappy face :(

It's so hard watching her decline, and wondering what's too much, what maybe we think she can handle but really maybe she can't. She gets a couple syringes full o' stuff twice a day orally, and she takes a pill every night, and I mix arthritis medicine into her moist food. She eats a special food for cats with kidney issues. She has been such a good cat. And I don't want to push her farther than she wants to go. Last time I took her into the vet when she was feeling this bad the vet told me it was good that I brought her in when I did because we were losing her. But he said there's still a spark in her eyes, she still has life in her. My vet sees 20-year-old cats every day, so I trust his experience and I know he'll be honest when she's not ready for anything more.

Last night I stayed up with her quite late, worried that she wouldn't even make it through the night. She did, but I know she's uncomfortable. And I think, is it OK to put her through another round of tests and treatments? I know these are extremely tough questions that every pet owner eventually goes through, but boy is it horrible. The husband and I talked today about what happens if/when she gets to this point again. I do trust that she is receiving super good care at the U of MN, and they'll send us home with a new care plan and I'll be so happy to have her back on my lap again. But I know she doesn't have the stamina for this too many more times.

So on the way home from the U we stopped at a local wine bar and I had two glasses of vinho verde. Drowning out my emotions with food or beverage is just the way I cope sometimes. I think that's OK right now.

i ♥ feedback

2010-06-19T23:18:00.000-05:00

My wits have returned. Or at least the food frenzy has abated. I spent the last two days eating what I felt my body wanted, in moderation (to satisfaction). Although...the glass and a half of wine last night was probably a half glass beyond moderation. But the happy thing for the last few days is that I've been eating well and without guilt. No late night trips to get my favorite ice cream treat. We'll see what kind of feedback the scale gives me tomorrow at my morning WW meeting. Feedback, not failure, right? Sometimes those WW mantras just get to me.

flare up

2010-06-17T22:30:00.001-05:00

Some of my old unhealthy behaviors have returned, and it's a little scary. Close to bingeing. Precariously close. Something's going on and I don't quite have my finger on what it is. I'm thinking about food way too much, thinking about "off limit" foods...heck, putting foods in the "off limits" category is a sign of trouble in itself. About 3 weeks ago I was less than a pound away from my WW goal, and now I'm probably 5 pounds away. I'm not going to get on the scale to check. I keep telling myself that I'll just go in to my meeting on Sunday and the number will be what it is. I'll be OK with it and move forward from there. But there are two more days before Sunday, and I'm worried what may happen food-wise in those two days. This is not a good place to be in. Since when did I become obsessed with the number?

I have noticed some feelings, some anxieties, some less-than-happiness. I've been so happy in the last few months, and now I'm less so. Yes, it could be the transition from school to summer. It could be worries about my cat's declining health. It could be...I don't know what else. I do know that the flutterings of anxiety have surfaced, and I've been eating more to get rid of those flutterings. I haven't paid close enough attention to know what's provoking the anxiety. I also know it's OK to not be happy all the time, but boy did it feel great. I don't feel horrible. I just feel the absence of happy.

Yesterday I finished reading Geneen Roth's Women Food and God. The good stuff--at least the good stuff for me--was really in Part Three: Eating. She talks about restrictors and permitters, and for the most part I think I'm a permitter. Permitters, according to Geneen, hate to follow rules about food. We are suspicious of "programs, guidelines, eating charts." True, true, and true. Even though I've been at WW for the last year and have been losing weight, I really never believed it was the program that was doing the magic. I kind of followed the rules, but I kind of didn't. I think because I felt good and happy I started wanting to do things that sustained that goodness and happiness, which means eating in ways that nourished me physically.

There are lots more thought-provoking things in those last few chapters of her book, but I think I'll revisit them in the next few days. What I do think is interesting is the idea of following Geneen's very loose guidelines (eat when you're hungry, eat without distractions, eat what your body wants, eat until you are satisfied, eat with enjoyment/gusto/pleasure) makes me anxious. That bit of anxiety is telling me something. I just don't know what it is yet. Right now my very full stomach and I are going to head to bed to reread parts of the Geneen book that has made the biggest difference in my thinking, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. And hopefully I wake up tomorrow ready to eat what my body wants, to satisfaction, with enjoyment.

the first day

2010-06-15T11:14:00.000-05:00

I'm officially free of school demands. I wish I could bottle up that first-day-of-summer-break feeling and use it when I really need it. It's light and freeing and wonderful, and I could use more of that in my life. The only plans for today are: reading, curling up with my cat, rowing. Very eventful.

Yesterday was the last of my May/June social events, and I enjoyed myself quite a bit. I especially enjoyed the fill your own doughnut holes (!!!) that served as a yummy ending to our meal. But now I'm ready to get back to my own schedule. In 10 days I've had 6 social gatherings, all involving food and drink. For a while I was getting down on myself about my lack of healthy habits during this time, but now I see that maybe I had unrealistic expectations. The 10 days have passed and I have emerged less svelte, but I have emerged nonetheless.

regular life please

2010-06-09T22:55:00.000-05:00

My cat's OK. Scariness for a while, several days at the University of Minnesota small animal hospital, and now various gels and stuff she must take on a daily basis. Such is the life of an almost-twenty year old feline.

Friday is my last day of school for the year, and we always always head out for an evening of liquid enjoyment to celebrate. Last year it was a fantastic night, so much fun (plus, the last day of school landed on my birthday, so how much better can it get?), lots of great memories. But this year? I'm not so excited for a night of revelry. I kind of want to just go home. How party pooper is that?

The last weeks of May and first couple weeks of June are a busy social time for me. The husband's birthday, and then my birthday, and our spring special ed party, and the last day of school, and birthday dinner with my two closest elementary school friends. It's a lot of socializing for an introvert, and usually the wine or tequila sunrises keep me going (and outgoing). But lately I haven't reached that lovely place of happiness with wine and/or tequila. On my 5-point scale of drinking, I've been hovering at a low 2, when my favorite place to be is a solid 2 or 3. Heck, I walked home from our special ed party last night (held at a coworker's house just a mile away) with my wits completely about me. No need for a ride home. So that's one of my issues...my beverages of choice seem to be losing their magic.

The other big deal is that all those events involve out-of-the-ordinary food. Cake--because yes, I must have cake on my birthday, and a big slice of it at that--chips, dips, bars, pizza, and on and on. Now that I'm on event number 4 or 5, I've stopped even really paying attention to the yumminess of the food and am now just eating what's around out of habit. And it's getting to me. All those party foods are weighing on me, holding me down. I'm walking with a heavier step, slouching more. I think I just look more dull, if that makes sense. It's not even so much that I'm worried about points and pounds. That's not the kind of heaviness I'm feeling, although those are certainly issues. It's this physical and mental sluggishness. I just want to be back to my strong alert self. I want to feel lighter, to get this heaviness off my shoulders.

Who knows? Maybe it's not even about the food and drink. Maybe something else is going on in my psyche. I just want to put the parties behind me and get back to my real life.

worries

2010-05-24T21:36:00.001-05:00

My best girl (pictured at left) is an old girl, just four months shy of 20 years old. She has always been a relatively healthy girl, plump but still beautiful. We adopted her when she was already a middle-aged 8 year old. A few months ago Cal had some issues that prompted me to search out real food for cats, not the pellets that we call cat food. I am lucky that there's a specialty pet food place within walking distance from my house, and under the suggestion of the owners I started Cal on real food, things like cooked pheasant and rabbit and turkey. She loved it, and since then we've been feeding her both real food and the pellets, because the husband thinks it's important that she still have some crunchy food for fiber and dental health.

The food, along with medication for hypothyroidism and arthritis, have served her well. But for the last 4-5 days she really hasn't been eating much. I haven't heard any overnight crunching of the dry food, and she just takes a little taste of the moist food before heading over to the couch for a day of sleep. She looks thin and gaunt, and I can feel her little hip bones. Poor Cal. I'm not sure what's going on. Tomorrow we'll try to get into the vet, and hopefully it's something easy to address like increasing her medication. It's no fun seeing her sick.

glistening

2010-05-23T23:22:00.000-05:00

It's near the end of May but feels very July-like here in MN. We had a substitute WW leader this morning, a woman who spent 30 years living in the South, and she said Southern women don't sweat, they glisten. I like that. But I also sweat. There's a time for glistening and a time for sweating.

Yesterday was my first venture onto the water with my rowing club, and it was just like riding a bike. Muscle memory and all that. Ok, so my rowing muscles were a little tight. And my legs were burning before we even turned around to head back to the boat house. But oh it was good to be out there. Because of my Pilates work in the last several months, I've been paying a lot of attention to how both sides of my body work in tandem. In Pilates sessions, where the movements are very controlled and isolated, I think I'm getting good at using a balance of strength. On the water it's much harder make sure that each side of my body is working in parallel with the other, although that is the goal. Which is a rambling way to say I was very conscious of when and how my body was off kilter.

I've also started reading Women, Food, and God, even though I'm very much agnostic and wasn't sure about the title itself. I had a knee-jerk reaction to the use of God in the title, which I'm sure says something about me. Something I'll have to explore in future posts. I'm only a few chapters in...I think I'm on the one called It's not about the weight, but it's not not about the weight. We shall see where it goes.

patterns

2010-05-08T23:52:00.000-05:00

It's been a week of food-longings, and I decided last night that I would not weigh in at WW on Sunday. I'm going. But no scale. So I looked back at my weigh-in history in my little booklet, and lo and behold I seem to avoid the scale every four weeks. And then I looked back at the last hard time I blogged about, and it was about a month ago. Hmm. It seems there really is something to that hormonal cycle after all. Silly as it seems, I'm kind of excited about noticing this pattern. Now that I have some awareness, maybe I can alter my a) behavior, or b) thinking, or maybe even c) both, around this time next month. Although this time next month will be my birthday, so I'm already anticipating cake and a good mood.

who me? happy?

2010-05-01T16:30:00.001-05:00

First: I completed a trail run (race actually, but I'm anti-race so I just call it a run) sponsored by my running group this morning and emerged tick-free. Hurray! I liked the run, but I'm not sure I like tick exposure, so we'll see how many more trail excursions are in my future.

Second: I went in for my twice yearly check-in with my psychiatrist yesterday. I am feeling super good lately, and I've been thinking about medication management. Right now I have energy, I'm doing a little bit more than hibernating on the couch each night, I'm thinking clearly about weight loss, and I'm managing the stress of my job in a relatively functional manner. It's good to feel good. There is a part of me though, and maybe it's a bit of that Minnesota Lutheran mindset, that thinks I really shouldn't expect to feel this good. That maybe something is wrong (because I'm happy???), or maybe it's going to be short-lived. I debated going on a lower dose of my medication over the summer because I usually feel pretty good in the summer, with or without medication. And I worry that if I stay at this dose, perhaps I'll acclimate to it so that if things get bad in the fall/winter, I'll need to add or change or switch medicines and won't access this happy place again.

My psychiatrist pointed out that if I'm feeling good and happy right now, why would I change that? I shouldn't lower my dose simply out of fear that I might feel bad again. I shouldn't lower my happiness expectations because sometimes I think I don't deserve to be there. I've never been inside anyone else's head...I don't know how mentally-stable/non-depressed people feel on a regular basis, but maybe they're mostly happy. My history of normal in the last several years has been mostly not happy, and that's what I've come to expect from my life. That's why this current state feels so remarkable, so refreshingly different. Sometimes I'm shocked by this current mood, unbelieving.

The final call on medication is to keep it where it is. If I'm a little anxious about changing it, that probably means I'm not ready to change it. Maybe happy is my new normal?

One more thing: I just realized that the very real Geneen Roth commented on one of my posts! Wow! How cool is that?

strong!

2010-04-26T23:57:00.000-05:00

Just a little kettlebell bragging (to remind myself in the middle of next winter that it feels good to get off the couch and challenge my body once in a while)...today I started using the 16 kg kettlebell for my swings, and boy do I feel strong. I still use the 12kg for most other lower body movements, and I use an 8 kg for arm things like the clean and press, but I can totally manage a heavier weight during swings. Heck, I think I'm ready for a heavier weight on some of those upper body movements as well. I left class feeling so great about myself, so competent and confident of my skills. When you feel good, it changes how you carry yourself. I can tell that I am more confident in my day to day movements at school, which in turn leads to a better mood. How lovely to feel healthy. I cannot wait for rowing season to start, because I am superfit and ready. I haven't been able to say that for years. Good for me :)

how now brown cow?

2010-04-25T15:00:00.002-05:00

Strange as it may seem, I kind of enjoy going to my Sunday morning WW meeting, even if it is at 8:00 AM and that's still sleeping time in my eyes (on the weekends anyway). I continue to hover 3-4 pounds from goal, and I'll get there. I'm still recovering from the food fun of Key West followed by a week of not so much monitoring. No big deal.

Our meeting has quite a few new members, people in their second or third week, all gung ho and excited. This morning we spent quite a bit of time talking about "food finds" and how to make sure you have enough points for an entire day and other new-to-WW kinds of things. I recognize myself in these new people. I recognize my need to grab onto the newest low point food like it alone will help me lose weight. We have a few seasoned regulars who pipe in with words about real food, and I sometimes add a thought or two. But part of me knows that people will hear what they are ready to hear. Way back in the first round of WW, if I had heard someone say "go ahead and eat the regular yogurt, even if it's a point or two more" or "eat a little chocolate every day" I would have quickly discounted the advice and moved on to my 2-point Snickers Kudos bar.

As I think more about it, this weight journey has not just been the past year on WW, but the years before that when I started thinking more sanely about food. I was trying to figure out why I'm actually making progress this time, why I'm not going crazy this time, and I think a big part of it is the mental work I've already done thinking about the role food plays in my life. I also think I'm successful this time around because I'm medicated. That thought scares me a little bit, but the truth is I'm out of that dark hole and I actually feel good. Which makes me want to do things that keep me feeling good. It's a continuous loop, and I wouldn't be in this loop unless my brain chemistry allowed me to jump in. It's funny what passes for normal when you don't know any better, and normal for me, for a long time, was a hard place to live. I wonder why I stayed there so long without asking for help?

In last week's meeting someone talked about using the WW app on her iPhone in order to track, and how easy it was to just look up the points and add it in right away. Yes, I can do that with my paper and pencil journal (and really, I am a paper and pencil person at heart), but it made me want a fancy gadget even more. We can't afford to switch carriers to get an iPhone, so this weekend I bought an iPod touch, which can also download applications. Did I need it? No. Does it make me happy? Yes. I've got the WW app right there on my screen, and it is definitely cool. I have a feeling I will be tracking more accurately this week than I have in quite a while.

fake food

2010-04-16T20:47:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, agreeing with all the things he's trying to do, admiring his energy and dedication, and...eating ice cream. I was swayed by someone in my WW meeting to try one of the new Skinny Cow ice cream cups, and when I finally saw them at the grocery store I scooped a few up. Part of it is maybe the thrill of the hunt, as in "ooh, there they are! I better get some of those before they're all gone!"

As a former Dairy Queen employee I have nothing against ice cream. Even on this health/weight journey I'm on, I am very pro-ice cream. And the Skinny Cow ice cream cup was good...the one I tried was caramel cone: vanilla ice cream with caramel swirls and cone-like chunks mixed in. I finished it of course, and like I said, it was good, but it wasn't that good. I wondered why I didn't just eat real ice cream, made with milk and cream and sugar instead of things like polydextrose and microcrystalline cellulose. Sure, a serving of real ice cream might be a couple points more, but it's real food. I was fooled by the exciting newness and come-hither packaging. I fell into some of my old WW habits--low points! eat it! But I know better, and I probably won't be filling the freezer with Skinny Cow products any time soon.

this too shall pass

2010-04-11T10:34:00.001-05:00

And it has. I'm back to rational thinking and food sanity. I actually woke up yesterday morning feeling like my old self again. Of course I had eaten a slice of french silk pie the evening before, so maybe that allayed my anxieties. Perhaps that means sometimes I really do need a chocolatey something to fill the void. I'm glad I blogged about it, because I now have written evidence (for the future me) that I can exist in those hard moments and come out the other side just fine.

Other random thoughts...
I downloaded Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred yesterday. I do kettlebell once a week, and Pilates with my trainer once a week, but I feel like I need more strength-training type stuff to really be strong and ready for rowing. I don't promise to do Jillian's workout everyday (especially on kettlebell days...how much punishment do I really want to give my body?), but I do like the shortness of it and should be able to talk myself into 20-25 minutes of intense work most days. Should is the operative word. Couch inertia is very hard for me to overcome.

Thursday after class I came home and put on my running clothes and headed out for a short run down to the lake and back. I don't know what came over me. Thursdays are my longest days, with a three-hour class after school, which means I felt like running at 8:00 pm with no nap or sitting down time with my cat. Crazy.

Thinking about heading to the pool this afternoon for the first time in oh, months I would say. Again, who am I? What on earth is motivating this recent bout of activity? I will take advantage of it while it lasts.

And last but not least, I've been playing around with the new blogger templates. I could spend hours reconfiguring colors and pictures and layouts. Definitely a time suck, but a fun one :)

hanging on

2010-04-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

I've tried very hard in the last many months to not get too comfortable in my progress on the food/weight front. Things have been going well, with minimal emotional stress or feelings of anxiety, but I know too well that it's not going to be smooth sailing all the way. Which brings me to this week, where I've been seeking out chocolate and craving cake with frosting and generally just thinking about food way too much. I know that it's a signal for something else, but I'm not quite sure what just yet.

Last week we were in Key West, and I was uber-relaxed in that setting. I didn't worry about food, I ate what sounded good (and often the healthier things sounded very good to me), and I enjoyed wine, cocktails, and key lime pie (not to mention one of the best desserts I've ever had: a strawberry cream pie with chocolate-topped graham cracker crust, from here). It was all good, and I enjoyed myself like a regular person--meaning no guilt, no scouring for points for key lime pie, no restrictions followed by bingeing.

We've been back for a week, and it's been a hard one for me to regain my footing. By Tuesday or Wednesday I had this gnawing feeling that I needed something, and for me that something came in the form of cake with frosting. I kept telling myself that I don't need cake with frosting, which has resulted in me instead eating: ice cream and french fries from McDonalds, a piece of chocolate pie, chocolate milk. Distractions from the cake, and yet still I'm unsatisfied. And really, when I think about my very favorite cake ever, even that really won't stop up whatever hole I'm trying to fill. So I'm worried. This is scary place for me to be, because it's familiar, and it's an unhappy place. I'm going to my WW meeting on Sunday morning...although I'm not going to weigh in. I just can't. Not yet. Before my trip I was just 3 pounds away from goal, the closest I've been in years. I'm almost there, but I'm in this unhappy worry place right now. I wish I knew what was going on.

blue

2010-04-03T21:05:00.000-05:00

I wonder if I have this evolutionary, ingrained need to live somewhere with blue skies and turquoise waters. In my house I inadvertently recreate that color scheme every time I paint a room or a hallway or arrange some little tableau of random favorite things. Even as I profess my favorite color to be brown, our house is filled with blue. We just got back from Key West, which was as wonderful as ever, and I was so happy to be surrounded by blue, to just take it all in. I've always been good at sitting, at being, and something about sitting and being while surrounded by sky and water felt exactly right. My German ancestors must have had a good reason for settling in Minnesota, the professed land of sky-blue water, even though months upon months we see only white or brown. But by genetic glitch I seem to seek out the real thing. I love this state from about May to December, but beyond that take me to the Keys please.

sane thinking

2010-03-20T14:29:00.000-05:00

My latest issue of O Magazine has Oprah shouting from the cover "the battle is over!" OK, not shouting, but it was certainly in large font in the top corner of the cover. Inside, Oprah reveals that she is newly aware of the root of her food issues after reading Geneen Roth's latest book. I read Geneen Roth's Breaking Free from Emotional Eating several years ago, and it really did change how I think about food and diets. I was in the midst of food unhappiness, bingeing after WW turned me into a fearful, point-counting thin person. Geneen's insight into compulsive eating and the insanity of dieting was an almost instantaneous light-bulb moment for me. I stopped judging myself by my food choices. I started eating foods that would satisfy me, foods that I really wanted (instead of foods I thought I wanted, or foods I thought I should be eating). I credit that book, along with When Food is Love, for bringing me back from the brink of a lifetime of disordered eating.

True, I haven't been happy about my weight for several years (read: nearly all my blog entries from 2007 and 2008). And I judged myself about food choices (snack cakes anyone?). But deep down I still knew that eating is OK, that if I really wanted a piece of cake it didn't make me a bad person. And now, back on WW and close to my goal weight, I still feel like a sane person. I eat what I want to eat, but I think more about when I'm really hungry, whether certain foods will satisfy me. I don't feel like a compulsive eater anymore. Most of the time I feel like a regular eater, someone who thinks about food at mealtimes or when I'm hungry, but not all the time. I'm happy to be in this place, and I think it takes work to stay here. I'm not smug enough to think I'm "fixed," because I've been in that spiral too often to think it's gone for good. But I do thank Geneen for helping me get where I am.

small vent

2010-03-10T22:01:00.001-06:00

So I watch The Biggest Loser. I know it's not real life, and I know the whole idea of the show is setting the contestants up for very unrealistic expectations when they get home. Ten pounds in a week? Sorry but no. But I still watch, because it's hard to turn away. In the last couple episodes I've gotten a little irked with Sam, who as the sole male on the black team seems to think it's his job to carry the team. He's said things like "I need to step up as the leader for my team" and "they're counting on me to lead them." Again, sorry but no. I don't see a lot of push-back from the female contingent of the team, no reigning in of his macho ways and letting him know that women can certainly take care of themselves. I hope I see that in the next episode or two...I don't see any value in perpetuating the stereotype of submissive women waiting for the big strong man to step in and lead.

so I'm not crazy?

2010-03-07T15:19:00.000-06:00

I was reading today's cover story in the New York Times Magazine about teacher training and instructional efficacy and what exactly makes a good teacher. At first I was wary, as often articles about teachers place blame for any educational failing directly on our shoulders. Teachers are not perfect, but we certainly are not lazy uneducated freeloading public servants (clearly a touchy subject). But this article confirmed something I've felt for a long time: I entered this profession without the tools and training that really would make me an extremely effective teacher. My methods classes were far from rigorous, and most of what I learned about how to teach came through observation rather than instruction. I often have this voice inside that whispers "I don't really know what I'm doing...everyone else knows more than me." I feel like I'm pretending to be an expert. I'm intuitive and insightful, and that gets me by, but once in a while--more often than I'd like--I feel like a fake. Now I realize that probably most teachers feel that way at some point in their careers. Somehow by admitting that I didn't get exactly what I needed (or even most of what I needed) though my licensure program it feels like I'm confirming the long-held belief that teaching is a lesser profession. That we don't need to be very smart to get licensed and get into the classroom.

It's kind of like the theory of lowered expectations I recently read in one of my countless books on teaching (always trying to figure out what it is I must be missing, what it is I don't know). I sensed the lower rigor, the easiness of my teacher preparation work, and because of that, deep down, I started believing that it doesn't take much to teach. Which is completely untrue, and especially untrue in my profession as a special education teacher. But it's hard not to fall into that subconscious belief when the work it took to get licensed was really not very challenging. I'm about 10 years into teaching, and I've learned a lot about how to teach in those 10 years. I'm also reading a lot about how to teach, and each year I do better. But it's a little reassuring to know that it's not just me feeling like a fraud. The way we've been trained and licensed doesn't adequately target what it is we need to be effective with our students. Most of us figure it out along the way, but that's a lot of figuring out with students depending on us to be experts.

a few randoms

2010-02-28T10:42:00.000-06:00

Sitting here waiting for The Container Store to open...why can't stores have across the board opening times? I was raring to go at 9:50 only to find out it didn't open until 11:00 on Sundays. I need my organizational fix, and that store is my drug of choice. Organizing makes me happy (unless I'm at work, and then organizing reminds me of all the things I haven't done yet and should have).

My new Sunday WW leader is growing on me. She's perky but sarcastic, which is a more palatable combination at 8:00 on Sunday mornings than just plain perky alone. And this morning I weighed in at 26.8 pounds down. I've got about 4 more pounds to go. Strange to think that I lost about 20 of those pounds from June to September but it took 5 months to lose the last 6. But I should be at goal by the end of the school year, which means 30 pounds in a year. A nice, slow steady weight loss. That's the kind that's supposed to stay off for good, right?

On Friday I picked up my new Mini! The lease was expiring on my old one, and having never leased before this car I realized that it's a worrisome business. I returned my car in great condition (after some last minute hail damage repair) and didn't incur extra costs, but boy, for the last 6 months or so I've been anxious about dents and parking and potholes and ice chunks. So this time we decided to purchase instead of lease, and already I feel much freer. I can't wait until it warms up enough for me to roll down the windows, open the sunroof, and blast some guilty 80s favorites. Alas, in Minnesota that means I'll probably be waiting until late April. But hurray for a new car :)

inspired

2010-02-13T23:03:00.001-06:00

(image from the Los Angeles Times)

In a reworking of Melvin's famous line in As Good as it Gets, watching the Olympics makes me want to be a better person. Seeing those athletes challenge themselves, push themselves as hard as possible...it makes me realize that I can probably push myself a little harder in quite a few areas of my life. Imagine if I treated my body in ways that honed my performance. If I ate foods that fueled me for power and efficiency. If I honored the things my body can do for me and celebrated that with excellence. Imagine.

I'm imagining all these things as I sit on the couch watching speedskating and eating chocolate chip cookies. Oops.

all's quiet

2010-02-08T20:52:00.000-06:00

on the Midwestern front.

It's snowy and white outside my windows, but not snowy and white enough for anything dramatic like canceling school for a day. Snow days are just too much to wish for. What I do wish for is a new pair of cross-country skis. An expensive wish, but oh would they make me happy. This year we bought a new oven instead of skis. We needed an oven, so of course that's a priority, but when it's a fluffy winter wonderland outside I really wish that oven could transform into skis. Presto chango!

like mother like daughter

2010-01-25T21:29:00.000-06:00

I reread my last few posts and realized I have a lot of mom issues. Especially since I had this great realization over the weekend and started writing about it and found that once again it was mom-related. It feels like I'm doing a lot of ruminating and reflecting about my family lately. Maybe that happens in your 30s? Who knows.

I did have this great realization though. I have a big issue with being overwhelmed by work tasks, overwhelmed by house-related stuff ("I can't possibly clear off the dining room table. All those things have a place, and I'll have to figure out where everything goes. Cleaning off the table will take me an hour"). Not an exaggeration. And then it snowballs into more and more work, and I stay overwhelmed. This weekend I was talking to my mom and heard her say "I can't tackle sorting those boxes [that have been sitting in the office for years] because it's too much emotional work. I'm not ready for it." Aghhhhh! That's me. And in that instant my feelings about my job's paperwork--the paperwork I'm never done with, always behind on--changed dramatically. I suddenly felt capable of tackling the work, even though there's a lot of it and more than I could possibly finish within yesterday's time frame. Instead of sitting around feeling bad about all the work, I actually worked. For six hours...three in the afternoon, three in the evening. I still have a lot to do, but I feel like it's within my power to get it done.

I don't want to spend weeks and months avoiding things I really should just get done right away. It sucks to feel overwhelmed all the time. And so, a new me has emerged. A go-getter. A tackler. At least on the paperwork front.

update

2010-01-23T13:52:00.001-06:00

Still flossing :)

"now I'll just add a few lines here to show your tired eyes"

2010-01-21T22:55:00.000-06:00

One of my students decided to draw my portrait today. She worked very hard, for probably half an hour, and she was very serious. The end product was perhaps a vision of me in 50 years. It was an honest attempt on her part, but boy is it funny. And at one point she made sure to add the lines that would show my tired eyes.

Honestly, I am tired. I feel tired nearly all the time. It feels like there's a very strong gravitational pull on my eyes. Also, the happiness has gone away. It seems unfair for me to experience it after upping my medication, to realize what had been missing for so long, and now it's gone again. I'm trying so hard to do the right things: sitting in front of my light in the mornings, getting my body off the couch to get some activity in, taking my vitamin D, taking my meds. And yet I feel bad. I have a not too distant memory of the goodness, but it's been at least a couple weeks. Hopelessness has set in. Sigh.

lucky

2010-01-18T10:11:00.004-06:00

Yesterday our WW meeting was about exercise and activity. I actually hate using the word exercise; it seems very old school. I have images of my mom doing leg lifts and sit ups on the living room floor and calling it "exercising." Which it probably was in the early 80s, but I don't think the things I do now fall into the same category. It's also a mindgame thing. If I call something "activity" then perhaps it will be more fun and exciting than the drudgery that seems to accompany exercise.

Anyway...the gist of the meeting was to enjoy the activity you choose. Nothing I haven't heard before. I didn't talk about my love of rowing, although maybe I will in another meeting. But it did make me think how lucky I am to have something like rowing in my life. It really is my favorite thing, and it just happens to be a physical activity. I don't row for the health benefits (well, maybe the mental health benefits) or to get activity points or to get stronger muscles. All those things are bonus perks. I row because I love how it feels to glide through the water. I row to get to that almost meditative place where I'm thinking only about my stroke and the movements of the person ahead of me. I row because it quiets everything else swirling around in my life.

I don't feel this way about running or swimming or strength training. I do those things for their health benefits, and that's OK. But rowing is something completely different. It's my thing. It makes me happy, and happiness is a precious commodity. When I find it I grasp on and try not to let go.

(I got to tell my rowing story for my digital writing class last fall)

girly stuff

2010-01-10T14:14:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I had a long-overdue brow appointment, and I got the best information from the esthetician (such a fancy word). She of course did a fantastic job shaping/waxing/tweezing, but she also gave me tips about using a brow pencil and a shaping brush to maintain the shape. I know it sounds frou-frou and self-centered to go on about a brow appointment, but I so appreciated her information and insight. At my previous salon I always felt a little bit like a fraud walking in there for brow appointments, thinking that it must be glaringly clear that I have no idea what to do on my own.

The thing is, I feel like most other women know these things. They know how to use things like concealer and lipstick and lip liner and brow pencils. They understand how to manipulate a blow dryer to get the right amount of shape and volume. They realize that some occasions probably call for toenail polish. I have always felt out of the loop on the beauty front, and I wonder where women learn these things. My mom told me nothing. She herself had a great skin regimen and a standing order with Mary Kay while I was growing up, but I didn't stand behind her in the bathroom looking in the mirror while she applied eye shadow and curled her lashes. I secretly rifled through her make-up case but never used any of it. And I never asked her, because those things all seemed too personal to broach. By the time my friends were using all those girly things, I was too embarrassed to ask them for help because I felt like I should already know what to do. I tried to figure things out on my own.

I'm realizing more and more that my family was a very closed, private family. We didn't share, or hug, or really even talk that much. My parents did the best they could. They had to work a lot, and I can imagine that they were exhausted at the end of each work day. I know I certainly am. They seem much more comfortable interacting with me as a grown-up.

So it seems that I'm slowly catching up on all the girl secrets. I spend money on a good hair stylist because I value her expertise. I appreciate a good brow waxing because I'd have no idea how to do such a thing by myself. I guess I'm now getting the advice that I missed long ago. And right now my brows look great.

resilience

2010-01-06T23:15:00.002-06:00

Right now in Minnesota it is cold. Not the coldest it has ever been, but still. I did walk four blocks to get to one of the local restaurants for dinner, and at that time it was 18 degrees, which actually felt not too bad considering the weather earlier this week. But it's cold.

We have a crabapple tree in our front yard, and every fall it of course sheds its leaves, but the berries remain on the branches. The neighborhood rabbits love those berries, and every night we see one or two rabbits perched in the snow under the branches. If I were a rabbit, I would nestle myself right up next to one of those vents that releases steam from the dryer. Warmth. But rabbits are a heartier breed than me. Perhaps it's the fur. I've noticed that in the winter each rabbit bundles itself into a small, compact mass. Wintertime rabbits have a much rounder profile than their lithe, grass-mowing springtime forms. My happiness in these last couple nights (as per resolution #2) has been the rabbits. Something about peering out the window into darkness and spotting those round gray forms against the white drifts is a comfort to me. Underneath the crabapple tree little rabbit paths circle around and back, over to the neighbor's yard, between the houses. The rabbits have figured out how to sustain themselves in the Minnesota winter. They sit among the berries in the snow, seemingly satisfied with the food and the cold and their bearings. Good for them.

resolution update

2010-01-03T22:55:00.000-06:00

I bought new dental floss. And used it. So far so good.

And while I was browsing the health and beauty section I discovered the Headblade, an ergonomically designed razor for those who seek the "ultimate head shave." Who knew such a thing existed? I did not.

new in 2010

2010-01-02T16:33:00.001-06:00

Alright, alright. I have some resolutions. But they do NOT include losing weight, because it never works to make that a resolution. Plus, I'm already losing weight, so I'll just keep on keepin' on. I'm going to try out some new goals this year.

1. Better dental health in 2010.
Very exciting, I know! I have a whole teeth/dentist backstory, and even thinking about the dentist makes me queasy. I went for oh, 7, 8, who am I kidding, 10 years without going to the dentist, and when I finally did go in it was on vacation in Key West when I was worried I had a serious tooth issue. It turns out I needed all of my wisdom teeth removed. I had dreams of my teeth falling out. I still have those dreams. But I've been consistently going to the dentist for about 5 years now, with valium in tow when I need anything beyond a basic cleaning. I shall take it one step further this year and commit to flossing at least 5 days a week. I also resolve to use my electric toothbrush at night instead of my old-fashioned hand powered one. Apparently electric toothbrushes are good for your gums. My dentist and hygienist will be so impressed at this time next year.

2. Find a bit of happiness every day.
My predisposition is not toward happiness. It's just not. Sometimes happiness finds me, or I find it, with little to no effort on my part. I do a lot of watching, observing, taking things in, and more often I reflect with wonder instead of happiness. Maybe wonder isn't so far away from happiness? Anyway, today I was watching SouleMama's end of year slideshow, and you could just see the joy radiating through those pictures. So many of her pictures were just small snippets of her days, and it made me think that of course I have those joys in my life too. I just need to be still once in a while and recognize them as they come. I definitely have still moments in my days, but I spend them ruminating. I know I do. So...happiness is on my agenda in 2010.

my year in facebook status updates

2009-12-30T09:57:00.001-06:00

In January I wish the house didn’t smell like burnt cat food. Still. I lost my mittens (such a naughty kitten). I want to be a b-girl. I’m inauguration bound!

In February I will try going to bed early, like a real grown-up. I need a 10-step program for frosting addicts. I am going to pass out Valentines tomorrow. I need a nap after cross-country skiing. I’m twirling my hair into hair knots. Endless fun. I wonder how much a toaster oven is like a real oven

In March I avoid work, as usual. I need a procrastination intervention. I made brownies in the toaster oven. Toaster ovens are miraculous! Who knew? I’m hair twirling again. Sundays = hair twirling habit. I crave key lime pie. I would like a magic wand. Pouf! The laundry is done! Pouf! The dishes have washed themselves! I let the melancholy take over sometimes…

In April I have eaten more than my fair share of malted milk eggs. I need a happy hour. I saw buds on the trees this morning and heard birds chattering and decided maybe it really is spring. I scrubbed the bathroom floor with a Magic Eraser. It worked OK, but I don’t think it’s magic. I need a to-do list for my life

In May I vow to be a less negligent gardener. I can’t think of many things better than zooming around in my car on a warm night with the windows down and the radio on LOUD. I’m hair twirling again. Do I pick up behaviors from my students or do they pick them up from me? I am going to be coached by an Olympian this summer! I have Friday on my mind. Mmm…rhubarb sauce

In June I am blister-free after my first night of rowing. I am now 35 years old. Hurray? I’m ready for a nap. The hammock awaits. I am off to see a movie. Air-conditioned theaters = happiness. I feel amazingly productive lately. Funny how much you can get done when you’re not working.

In July I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do reverse triangle? Yoga gods, please bless me with flexibility. I am off to bhangra, then last call at Al’s. Hurray for summer Saturdays! I am too old to be in a dance recital.

In August I had a strange dream about Chicken in a Biskit crackers. As in “Chicken in a Biskit, that’s what I need! All my problems will be solved once I get a box of those.” The tomato onslaught has begun. I exhausted my “get-r-done” supply and will commence napping on the couch. There’s danger in too much productivity. I have a weird bruise on my arm that looks like one of those barbed-wire tattoos. It makes me feel tough.

In September I could not ask for a more perfect end of summer weekend. I WILL go to bed early. I will. I will try. Sometimes I need a nap more than I need a happy hour. A nice fall row makes everything better. Finally, Friday. I am going to try the power of positive thinking.

In October I am tired…I want to curl up and hide away. I hunker down in front of the fireplace. I love the couch, and the blanket, and the cat. I’m still not really sure about this whole costume thing. I have a brand spankin’ new oven. Finally. Frozen pizza here we come.

In November I made it through Monday. I am thinking about a New Year’s Eve trip. I can’t wait for pumpkin pie. I wonder if perhaps I have a genetic glitch that triggers hibernation. My fireplace is the best thing in the whole world.

In December I returned to the land of Happy. Brr I say, brr. I forgot how long it takes me to write a paper. Holiday parties never get old. Sinuses, why do you hate me so? I hit my limit with Christmas cookies…the ones I had for breakfast might be my last of the season. Who knew I could overdose on cookies? I bend over a fabric-covered dining room table, tracing and cutting patterns…my grandma would be proud. I sit back in the glow of the tree.

worries

2009-12-25T19:53:00.003-06:00

So I've been sick, off and on, for about a month. Really sick for an entire week, then better, then completely back to my regular self, and then sick again. Now I pretty much feel fine, but I've got this cough that won't go away, and every once in a while my sinuses yell at me. I hate this, because it makes me think of my mom and her state of non-stop illness. Whenever I talk to her on the phone she asks if I'm sick, because maybe she hears me sniffle, or yawn, or cough. And yesterday when we were over there for Christmas Eve festivities she told me she hopes I don't get arthritis like she has. I hope not either. It's gotten so I don't want to talk to her on the phone if it sounds like I'm stuffed up or tired because I don't want her thinking I'm sick all the time. Because I'm not. I do have some compassion...I know she doesn't want to feel alone in her infirmities, and it's clear she's not getting the right kind of support from us as a family because she's seeking out this camaraderie of illness. That's sad, and clearly I should be doing more as a daughter.

I checked in with a blog I read off and on and discovered that the author was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia. This is someone who tries to take care of herself but had this nagging sickness and fatigue that wouldn't go away. And it worries me that I will turn into one of those people with chronic pain and endless weariness. I don't have pain, but boy I am weary sometimes. I chalk it up to depression, and in truth things have been much better since I had my antidepressant dosage upped late last month. But I worry about the trajectory of my health. I can only try to make good health choices. There are only so many things I have control over in life. But still I worry...

leadership change

2009-12-06T15:45:00.002-06:00

The leader of my Sunday morning meetings has moved on to a new site. I completely understand her desire for change. She's been with this group for 6 years, and she's been offered an opportunity to lead at a new WW site that sounds very promising. She is a fantastic leader, and I know the WW people must have plucked her up for this new set of meetings. But she has meetings all over the Twin Cities, and our Sunday meeting is quite a bit out of her way. I think she hung in there with us because the group of people itself is vital and dynamic. Many of them have been coming to the meeting for years, and they know our leader quite well. I'm a relative newbie compared with many of the group members, but even since joining last May I have come to appreciate the sanity of this meeting.

What worries me is our new leader, who is enthusiastic and quick and otherwise a just fine person. But today the talk devolved into things people have done to avoid eating tempting foods...as in pouring salt over the remainder of a restaurant meal to take away any desire to eat it. Or filling up on other foods before getting to a party so you're not hungry when you get there. Someone even talked about not wanting to go to social occasions because she's worried about the food offerings. All those things remind me of the old me, the one who was rigid about points and inflexible in my eating habits. I remember not wanting to go out to dinner because I didn't know how many points my meal might be. I remember throwing away girl scout cookies and bringing the bag out to the garbage right away so I wouldn't continue eating them. Scary. Because really, what power does food have over us. It's food. Those behaviors are really a signal of something else, and doing all the little preventive strategies (throwing out food, etc) won't really solve the why behind weight gain. I can eat all the right stuff before going to a party so that I'm full when I get there, but I'm still going to want to eat, because parties are uncomfortable for me. Throwing away food so I don't eat it is admitting that food has power over me.

So I worry, because our former leader really seemed to get this, and she led our discussions back into a sane reality. I don't think our new leader is there yet, and I don't want our meetings to devolve into scare tactics and worry. I guess that means I should speak up a bit more in my meeting to provide an alternative viewpoint. I certainly didn't get emotionally healthy about food overnight. It's taken a very long time, and I have moments of anxiety about food. I won't keep weight off unless I deal with the feelings behind eating. Pretending that I've got it solved if I avoid restaurants or social obligations or "red light foods" won't get me any farther than I was last time I reached goal. Which is to say I'll end up spending another five years trying to fix the food craziness in my head before I am ready to lose again. That is a path I will not be taking.

a little soreness

2009-11-27T14:10:00.002-06:00

I really should know better. Runners work their way up to certain distances so that they can condition their bodies and avoid injury. While in my head I thought "75 minutes of running should be completely do-able" I wasn't really thinking about my muscles and such. Because, yes, I did finish the 10k, but after about mile 4 it was clear that I should have stopped. My legs were fatigued. Cardiovascular-wise I was able to continue, but my legs were very upset with me. Not sure what I was trying to prove. Well, maybe I do know what I was trying to prove...that I can get out there and run, that I haven't completely lost the stamina I had during rowing season, that I'm no lazy loser (always judging myself; will that ever stop?). So today my quads and hamstrings and hips are sore. Not just your usual sore, but sore in a way that will probably take 3 or 4 days to go away. It's not horrible. It's just a reminder that being gung-ho can have consequences.

Interesting note...I swam on Wednesday, ran yesterday, plan to do yoga today, and will most likely run with my running group tomorrow. Four days in a row of activity! Miraculous. Then again, I haven't had to work since Tuesday. I've always believed that my job interferes with my life :) I'm lucky to have a good job, but so often I wish I could figure out that work/life balance thing.

crazy?

2009-11-25T23:10:00.002-06:00

This morning I stopped by my local running shop and signed up for the Drumstick Dash 10k tomorrow. What was I thinking? The last time I ran more than even three miles at a time was probably 6 weeks ago. Mostly I just like the idea that I'll have 6.2 miles under my belt before 9:30, and I can move forward through the Thanksgiving meal with a little more caloric wiggle room. And really, even at my very slow pace, I won't be out there more than 70-75 minutes. I should certainly be able to keep myself moving for 75 minutes. It will be fine, but it won't be easy.

Today I got in the pool for the first time in 3 months. The water felt warm and inviting and enveloping. It was just what I needed. I know that I crave external sensory input...I like deep pressure and covering myself with heavy blankets and the weight of my cat on my lap. So it makes sense that I would find comfort in the all-over input that swimming provides. Maybe this will be the winter that I actually join the Masters swim team at the Y. I've only been talking about it for the last 3 years.

cookies

2009-11-17T21:15:00.003-06:00

I've been eating, and now my tummy hurts. I baked chocolate chip cookies in our brand new oven (!) on Sunday, and I chowed down on them all night. Oh my tum. Clearly this is not a week for weight loss, and I kind of knew that when I baked on Sunday. But now I must stop. Too much sugar. :(

recovery

2009-11-08T20:28:00.003-06:00

I've been eating ice cream every day since last Saturday. I've been sick, and it was the only thing that felt good on my throat. After the first few days of ice cream I wondered about my weekly weigh-in, and I started thinking about other options to soothe my throat. I tried popsicles. I tried warm things like tea. But ice cream worked the best. Something about the milky-ness along with the coolness was perfect. And I decided that I'm in this weight loss thing for the long haul, so if I'm sick this week and need ice cream, so be it. Eventually I'll be better and I won't be eating ice cream every day and it will be fine.

So today I did go to my weekly WW meeting, and lo and behold, I lost a bit of weight. I'm back to that 22 pound mark that I was at before my brief hiatus. I am feeling better physically, and I am feeling really good emotionally about my progress in WW. I bought a new 3-month journal at my meeting this morning and told the husband "this is the journal that will get me to goal." It's exciting to realize that yes, I will get there.

My struggle since rowing season ended is figuring how to stay active. My never-ending struggle. I haven't been very successful. Of course, I was sick for the last ten days and didn't even go to school most of last week, so I don't worry so much about that. But yesterday, as I started feeling a little better, I helped with raking and it exhausted me after about 15 minutes. Uh oh. Seems like physical stamina declines so quickly. So this week I'm starting low key. My goal is just 20 minutes of activity a day, and if that happens it will be miraculous. Somehow telling myself that all I really have to do is 20 minutes makes it seem less overwhelming. I miss the athlete I used to be :( I wonder how I can be an athlete in all those months when rowing is not an option. Hmmm....

p.s. today I didn't need ice cream for my throat but ended up splitting a Tagalong blizzard with the husband. Yum! Move over Oreo...I have a new favorite blizzard.

me, somewhere else

2009-11-06T11:11:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I imagine what my life might be like if I picked it up and dropped it into the middle of a new place. I love where I live, I love our house, I love how I can walk to the movies or the grocery store or a cooking store or restaurants. I love the lakes right in the city. But when the husband and I were in Grand Marais several weeks ago, I started wondering what my life would be like there. With my cat and husband of course. And when we visit Key West, I spend a lot of time thinking about what it would be like to live there, not just visit. I've been in Minnesota my whole life, although I'm proud to say I did at least move away from the city I grew up in. A surprising number of my friends still live within 2 or 3 miles of their childhood homes; my hometown is a nothing-special suburb, so I don't know what the big draw is.

I'm in that fantasizing about another job phase, even though I do like my job and won't be leaving it. But I get overwhelmed, and I don't feel successful, and then I just want to run away. I imagine living somewhere else, having a job that ends at the close of the work day instead of some never-ending pile of work that you can never really finish. What would it be like? Who would I be? Does the place you live shape who you are? Because sometimes I think it would be nice to be somewhere else...

sunday lovely sunday

2009-10-31T20:49:00.003-05:00

I have been waiting for my Sunday morning WW meeting since, oh, Tuesday maybe? I need to sit with my group, focus on health habits, and regroup. I know that I should be able to jump back on the point-counting bandwagon whenever I make a slip, but I just haven't been able to do it in the last week and a half. I could have gone to a mid-week meeting just for the support, but there's something about my meeting, my leader, my fellow group members. I need them. So yes, the scale will show a higher number than my last weigh-in, but I'm OK with that. It's more important that I show my face again.

I think I can I think I can

2009-10-28T22:32:00.002-05:00

It appears that I am a much more frequent blogger when things are not going my way. When I'm feeling good, making healthy choices, living in ways that nourish and sustain, I tend to read instead of write. But when things start going downhill (I am not in a downhill slide. I am not. I refuse to think that about myself.) I start writing again. Trying to figure things out. Trying to get to the root of my behavior choices. Why is that I wonder?

So I fell in with the "chuck it all" thinking this afternoon. Grr. I will go to my WW meeting this Sunday, and I'll step on the scale, and I'll get the support I need. No judgement. I'm in this process for the long haul.

veering

2009-10-26T22:29:00.003-05:00

Last week I took a week off from counting points and carefully planning food and all that good stuff that has led to my 22 pound weight loss (thus far). I kept telling myself that I was "practicing maintenance" for the week. I can't even remember why I decided to have that kind of a week, but I do know it was a conscious decision. I didn't go to my WW meeting on Sunday morning, but I did jump back into journaling yesterday. And yet. This evening I had a reasonable meal but proceeded to eat the pumpkin cookie with heavenly frosting that the husband brought home, plus a handful of doughnut holes, plus a few mini candy bars from the Halloween candy bucket. And I'm a little worried. I'm veering into all or nothing thinking, deciding already today that I'll just skip my next WW meeting. Which I won't, but the fact that I contemplated it suggests that all is not right in my head.

In the last couple weeks I went shopping for smaller pants. I'm all outfitted and ready to get through the next two months or so as I move down the scale toward my goal weight. I will get there...I'm about 10 pounds away. I can do it. But for some reason I've hit a little bump, and I don't want to be stuck here. I get stuck way too often in my life. I know what stuck looks like. Stuck and I are good friends. The last 5 months or so of weight loss have been OK, not too stressful or unbearably difficult. Work, but manageable work. And here I am at a hard part, and I am a little worried.

Time to...

who is this energetic young woman?

2009-10-21T21:37:00.002-05:00

Day three of light therapy. Yes, only day three, which means I should not jump to any conclusions. And it's not deep dark winter yet either. But I have felt really alert and dare I say energetic the last several days. That "lost" time in the late afternoons when I always seem to collapse on the couch and fall asleep has been better. I haven't napped at all. And part of my morning light box routine is to read the paper while drinking tea, so now that I don't have the paper to read in the evening, I feel a little bored even. Gasp. Bored! I am never bored. I am always exhausted. I'm hoping this means that I will feel like being an after-work exerciser on a more frequent basis. Right now that doesn't seem unfathomable.

But it's early. I can marvel at my newfound energy, but I expect it will wax and wane. It's only October after all. In Minnesota, that means 5 more months of gray and cold.

the next new thing

2009-10-16T15:40:00.003-05:00

I bought a light box. Finally. Last April when I went to see my psychiatrist we reflected on the last several months and how unpleasant they had been for me emotionally. I remember having my own little "duh" moment: hmm, perhaps the mood issues were related to the existence of winter. So we decided that rather than upping my dose of antidepressant, I'll try light therapy first. I've had this prescription for a light box tucked away in my bag for the last 6 months, and today I bought one from an official distributor of durable medical goods (as required by my insurance company).

I'm excited and not excited at the same time. Excited that maybe this will work wonders for me, give me the energy to get off the couch in the winter, perhaps help me capture some of that summertime mood that leaves once school starts. Not excited because I have to figure out how I'm going to fit it into my schedule. It's not that I'm uber-busy. It's just that the 30 minutes a day in front of the light should happen sometime in the morning, and I am not a morning person. I have a morning routine down pat: wake up around 6:15, shower, lay on the couch for another forty-five minutes under a blanket, then get up again and take care of the rest of my morning stuff (dress, pack breakfast and lunch, make myself presentable). I think I have to give up the extra morning napping time, and it's going to be harsh. I am so exhausted in the morning, and my cat counts on that chunk of time each morning for additional lap time. But I keep thinking that maybe I won't be so tired if the light starts working its magic.

Then there's the aesthetic issue. I like my home environment to look "just so," not fussy but certainly thoughtful and inviting. The light box doesn't really fit in with my style :) Such a minor issue, but somehow I'll have to figure out how to incorporate this white screen into my carefully selected look. Again, if the light box gets me off the couch and improves my mood, I won't really care about how it looks.

Let the light therapy begin...